NFC East

• The Cowboys, as we knew before training camp even opened up, are loaded for an all-or-nothing campaign. Unfortunately, with Tony Romo remaining turnover-prone, T.O. being T.O. and Wade Phillips still being at the controls of this ship, it looks like it’s going to be a thirteenth consecutive year of nothing. Hey, Wade, here’s a little advice. You are not supposed to run the football 11 times in an entire game against anyone. Seriously, that’s some of the worst play-calling since, well, this. On the bright side, Dig Dug Jones has kept his nose clean and played some good football. If Dallas was for real, they would have handled business a lot more soundly against the Bungles. As I see it, we’re used to one-and-done postseason performances in the post-Jimmy Johnson era, so one more won’t hurt — if we even get there, which looks like a really shaky prospect right now.
• Not much has changed in Philadelphia. Donnie Football somehow remains effective despite severe accuracy issues, Brian Westbrook remains freakishly athletic but injury-prone, and DeSean Jackson hasn’t learned a damn thing since high school about showboating. I rank his premature celebration against the Cowboys a few weeks ago right behind Leon Lett’s pair of bonehead moves. Had the Eagles been unable to capitalize on the good fortune of keeping the ball, it might have even surpassed them. Not a whole lot else to say here, this is as good a team as most of us expected, but Westbrook’s most recent injury worries me. I still wouldn’t sleep on these guys come January.
• It’s been a long time coming, but ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to Jason Campbell, good NFL quarterback. I’ve been preaching about this guy’s development for the better part of two years now (ask Justin — he was ready to break my fingers over this guy for a while) and he’s finally settling into a good offensive scheme and producing some fantastic results. How fantastic, you ask? Well, read it and weep, boys — The Redskins are currently #1 in passing DVOA, ahead of the Saints and Chargers. Don’t be surprised to see this team make some noise in the playoffs, which would solidify Campbell’s status as a very good NFL quarterback.
• The Giants… oh dear, where do I begin? FO inexplicably likes Super Eli this year — they’ve got him at #7 in DYAR, nestled between Jason Campbell and Kurt Warner. Now, before you spit your drink out in disbelief, understand that some of this CAN be explained. A wise man once said “LOOK AT THE SCHEDULE!!”, so let’s do that, shall we? Thus far, the only competent pass defense that Super Eli played was that of the Redskins. His line for that game? 19-35, 216 yards, INT. This is what those of us who aren’t complete idiots call a typical Super Eli game. Since then, he’s played the Rams (31st in pass defense), Bengals (26th) and Seahawks (23rd). Let’s crunch his numbers against these luminaries. 65-97, 816 yards, 6 TD. Friends, that works out to a 67% completion percentage, 8.4 yards per attempt and a 113.6 passer rating. So there you have it — he’s #7 in DYAR because he’s played extremely user-friendly pass defenses. The Giants have a tough stretch of games beginning in week 8 (@PIT, DAL, @PHI, BAL), so that’s when we’ll see what Super Eli’s really made of. Oh, and hey, Justin Tuck is really, really good. I knew this, and Osi is certainly still sorely missed, but Tuck is outperforming even my expectations, making complete fools of would-be blockers on a weekly basis. He’s a scary, scary dude, and if the Giants make the playoffs, he’ll be the reason they do it. So spare me the Super Eli propaganda.

NFC North

• Turns out that after years of The Cedric Benson Experiment the Bears may have finally found a good running back. Does anyone else find it a little odd that the only two black guys named Matt that I can think of off the top of my head are professional athletes (Kemp being the other one)? Is it really that much of a white guy name? Anyway, Chicago isn’t great, but you don’t need to be great to win the North this season, what with Gus Frerotte being a starter and the Lions still hanging around to hand out free wins. With the Packers’ injury situation, it wouldn’t shock me to see the Bears take this division, even with Neckbeard the Talentless at the helm.
• The Vikings, in fact, are not one piece shy of a Super Bowl run. OK, OK, they went into New Orleans and kicked around a defenseless (literally) Saints team who was only in the game because Reggie Bush is like the damn Road Runner when returning punts. Good for them. They’re still 2-3. I’ll give Brad Childress credit for this, though — he realized early in the season that Tarvaris Jackson wasn’t cutting the mustard and sent Grandpa Gus in. Most coaches refuse to bench a quarterback simply because it’s the most important position on the team. Well, gee, that’s why you should be QUICK to bench an underperforming quarterback. Unless, I dunno, you like having your team dragged down by the Alex Smiths and Derek Andersons (hint hint) of the world. I’m not high on this team, but they should come out of this mess at 8-8 or better.
• It still doesn’t seem right to see a guy not wearing #4 taking the snaps in Green Bay. And soon it may not be #12 under center, either. Aaron Rodgers is hurting, and that’s very, very bad news for Packers fans. Trust me, you don’t want any of The Matt Flynn Project. So eat right, say your prayers, and hope that Rodgers’ shoulder holds together until week 8, when he can give it some well-needed rest. Until then, the running game needs to step up to take some pressure off of Rodgers. Ryan Grant, for all the bitching and whining he did this offseason to get a new deal, is averaging 3.7 yards per rush and has yet to find the end zone. Brandon Jackson has been solid in relief duties, and if Grant continues to struggle, he should be considered for a larger percentage of work. In the grand scheme of things, though, the Packers’ season literally rests on the shoulder of their quarterback, because their big-money running back isn’t getting the job done and their defense isn’t going to make or break any games (although they would do well to get better at stopping the run). Don’t hold your breath, cheeseheads.
• You know how many things have gone right for the Detroit Lions this year? One. The bad news is he left behind such a mess that rebuilding will take a minimum of five years. This team is just awful. Roy Williams isn’t getting any younger, the defense can’t stop anybody, Jon Kitna’s eligible for social security at the end of the season, the offensive line is right up there (or down there, depending on your perspective) with that of the Steelers in terms of incompetence, and if Rudi Johnson is your rushing leader, that means Rudi Johnson is your rushing leader. I could literally write a hundred more negative things about this franchise, but I’m pretty sure WordPress has some kind of length limit, so let’s just say that a game against the Texans in a couple of weeks is the Lions’ only shot at a win this year. 0-16 is a very, very realistic possibility.

NFC South

•  It’s too early to tell, but folks, there may be a very shocking development down in Atlanta. Bear with me here… Matt Ryan could actually be a decent quarterback. True, he looked terrible against the Buccaneers in week 2. True, he didn’t do much of anything against the Panthers last week. But that was a very good Packers pass defense that he posted a 94.1 rating against. On the road, even! I’m not thrilled about his Ron Mexico-esque 54.2% completion rate at this point, but with Roddy White being his primary receiver we can’t expect the kind of numbers that good QBs with good receivers post. I was tough on Ryan before, during and after the draft, but he’s got me wondering if he has what it takes to develop as an NFL signal-caller. Oh, and hey, Michael Turner is good. He’s struggled against quality defenses (read: the same ones that Ryan had problems with), but he’s also found the end zone six times and is tops in the league in rushing yards. I don’t like his chances to stay there, but a 1400-yard campaign isn’t out of the question. Not bad for a guy who spent the last four seasons as a backup and occasional kick returner. We’ll see what they’re made of when they play the Bears, then get a week off before heading up to Philly. I actually like their chances to clear 8-8, and I never would have imagined myself saying that two months ago.
• The Saints are a very, very weird team. The good news is, because of their offense and special teams (at least the non-kicking aspect of it), 24 points appears to be the bare minimum that you have to put up if you want to compete with them. The bad news is their defense seems more than willing to give you those 24 points, then hand you a few more. Their pass rush is fine, but their linebackers are banged up and their secondary has never been able to hang with anyone. We’re talking about a secondary that still includes Jason David, who, just last year, was WORSE THAN A HOLE IN ZONE COVERAGE. Seriously, I’m not making this up. Fire up Google and have a look around. The average pass caught in a hole in zone coverage went for something like 11.6 yards. The average pass caught against Jason David? 14.5 yards. By all standards, it was one of the worst seasons for a defensive back in NFL history. The addition of Jonathan Vilma had me all excited before the season, so I had the Saints pegged as a sleeper, but the only sleeping that’s being done is by their so-called pass defense. All I can say is it must suck to know that you’re going to score around 450 points this season and still finish below .500.
• Well, hello Panthers. Where have you been? Oh, I see you have a healthy Jake Delhomme now. That’s good news. And what’s this? A good running game? Hey, that’s just swell. Ooh, your defense appears to be very solid too. Wait, you’re sporting a 4-1 record? Let me guess, you’ve played the Lions, Rams, Texans and… wait, you’ve actually had a semi-tough schedule? Hmm, so you have. I see you went into San Diego and upended the Chargers… and then beat the Bears, who are actually kind of good this year. Impressive! Seriously, though, I had the Panthers at #3 on my power rankings after week 5. This defense looks like the Carolina defenses of old, albeit not quite as stout on the ground. Offensively, I had my doubts about Jonathan Stewart, figuring he’d just be another one-and-done back that John Fox would try to use, unsuccessfully, to fix the Panthers’ ground game woes. Turns out he’s not bad, particularly in a two-back system with DeAngelo Williams. These platoon backfields seemed like a screwy idea when they first caught on, but I love them. They’re fantastic when you have a talented but fragile back like Williams who can’t handle 300 carries. This team should continue to impress and take the South with relative ease.
• &*$@ the heck happened to the Buccaneers? What was Chucky Gruden thinking when he benched Jeff Garcia in favor of… Brian Griese? Something tells me Gruden just isn’t the brightest bulb in the box when it comes to evaluating player talent. Don’t get me wrong, he has a great football mind, but… Griese over Garcia? I don’t care if you’re 3-2 — you’re not winning because of Griese, you’re winning in spite of him. I mean, he threw the ball 67 times against the Bears and all he could show for it was 27 points? Two weeks later, he went to Denver, who might actually have a worse defense than the Saints, and had a David Carr-esque game — 68.4% completion percentage? Awesome. 4.6 yards per attempt and three sacks? Pass me the barf bag. Chucky, get this guy on the bench where he belongs unless you’re deliberately trying to make the wheels come off. I don’t care if your defense is #4 in the NFL right now — unless you have a defense comparable to that of the 2000 Ravens, sending out a bad quarterback week after week is eventually going to cripple you. Grandpa Garcia isn’t all that awesome anymore, but if you value your season, you will give the starting job back to him and you won’t touch it again this year.

WAC NFC West

• I am genuinely shocked at how terrible the Seahawks are defensively. Super Eli just went all Ben Roethlisberger on them to the tune of 19-25 for 267 and 2 scores. Weren’t they at least decent at stopping people a year ago? Yes, in fact, the DVOA archives for 2007 tell me that they ranked 11th in the NFL. I don’t see any significant transactions that would have led to such a collapse, so it’s actually kind of puzzling. Granted they did have the easiest schedule in the NFL last season, but they haven’t exactly played juggernaut offenses thus far in 2008. Trent Edwards is certainly a competent quarterback, so there’s no real shame in losing at Buffalo, but if you let San Francisco come into your house and drop 33, you’ve got serious defensive issues. And, as noted above, the Giants tap-danced all over this defense, utilizing receivers that nobody’s ever heard of (Domenik who?) en route to putting up 44 points. In years past you could count on the Seahawks walking all over the West before quietly exiting the playoffs, but now, with Matt Hasselbeck’s health in question and injuries forcing a different set of receivers onto the field every Sunday, it looks like major changes are on the way.
• Say what you will about the post-Garcia/Owens 49ers — there are certainly plenty of disparaging things to say, you don’t need my help to come up with a few. Things are definitely looking up in the Bay Area, though. Time finally ran out on The Alex Smith Project, and now some guy named J.T. O’Sullivan is taking the snaps. Sounds like a stage name if you ask me, but he’s not a bad quarterback. The funny thing is he’s been around for a while despite getting no playing time — he’s had stints as a backup with the Saints, Packers, Vikings, Patriots, Panthers and Lions (where he actually did throw 26 passes). You’re not alone if you never heard of him prior to this season — a lot of us had to do some research on him, and it turns out he really isn’t terrible. And if you’re a 49ers fan, “he isn’t terrible” sounds like “he’s f&$(*!% awesome” after being tortured by Trent Dilfer, Tim Rattay and Ken Dorsey for years. With the Seahawks in free-fall mode, 8-8 just might win this division, and why can’t this be the team to do it?
• Meet the new Cardinals, same as the old Cardinals. One game Kurt Warner parties like it’s 1999, the next he parties like it’s 2004. Arizona has one of the most terrifying deep balls in the league, but here’s where the problem lies — they don’t have a consistent ground game to help them open up the deep ball on a regular basis. You can’t simply pass your way to a division title, even in a division as weak as this one. One thing that has changed is the defense. It hasn’t been completely awful — even taking into account the 56-35 romping by the Jets, Arizona’s D is ranked 14th in DVOA. Based on the West’s weakness, they just might win enough shootouts to sneak into a fight with San Francisco for the division title. At the very least, it’ll be entertaining to watch.
• The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams should change their name to the Black Holes. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams should be sponsored by Oreck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. Holy crap, the Rams are terrible.

$150 on Patriots (-3.5) over 49ERS

Yeah, sure, it’s Matt Cassel. But I can’t see how almost any team outside the AFC North should be less than a 6 point favorite over the 49ers. We’re deailng with an extremely well coached team here going in against, well, the 49ers.

$150 on CARDINALS (-1) over Bills

I’m violating one of the principal rules of betting here - ‘never bet on any game the Cardinals are involved in under any circumstances’. It’s time for the Bills to lose.

$150 on JAGUARS (-4.5) over Steelers

I’d bet more on it, but the truth is I’m never comfortable making a large bet against the Roethlisteelers. I can’t wait for Roethlisberger to hit IR; it’ll take the bettors about two weeks to catch up to the fact that the Steelers will then be right there with the Lions and Rams among the worst teams in the league, and I plan to make a killing loading up against them.

$100 on Colts (-3.5) over TEXANS

The Texans have no pass rush whatsoever other than Mario Williams. Peyton that gets to stand in the pocket and scan the field = happy Peyton.

$500 on OPEN DATE (-10) over Rams

It would be more, but sadly, that’s all the money I have left to invest.

Redskins (+6.5) at Eagles

You know how all of college football media is enslaved to the SEC? Yeah, the NFC East is like that this year, but unlike the 14-10 snorefests down in backwoods Mississippi, this hype is deserved. It’s very, very clear that this is the best division in football.

Looks like Jason Campbell’s finally found an offensive system that works for him. His development process has been a little behind schedule, but he’s becoming a good NFL quarterback. I really like the Redskins coming off a high note after upsetting the Cowboys on the road, and it’s likely that the Eagles’ best player is still a little gimpy. $100 on the Redskins.

Falcons (+3.5) at Packers

Ryan! Flynn!! It’s the NFL on FOX!!! I feel Mike McCarthy’s pain — he can either send a clearly injured Aaron Rodgers out, or take his chances with… Matt Flynn. Green Bay is still clearly the better team, and they’re at home. Therefore… $50 on the Packers.

Seahawks (+7) at Giants

7 points? Really? Vegas, you’re too kind. Did you forget that Seattle is getting two pretty good receivers back this week? Or do you still think the Giants are actually good? The Seahawks ain’t no great shakes, but really… article after article has pointed out Eli Manning’s shortcomings as a quarterback, and yet you continue to worship him. It’s getting just a little silly now. Justin Tuck can’t play both sides of the ball, you know. Thanks for the free money. $300 on the Seahawks.

Browns (+3.5) at Bengals

I don’t like either team, frankly, but at least the Browns have a couple of pieces of the puzzle in place. A great offensive lineman and some high-caliber weapons, plus Derek Anderson fighting for his job (and Brady Quinn ready to take it in case he continues to suck) leads me to put $150 on the Browns.

49ers (+5.5) at Saints

Call me crazy, but the 49ers are improving. This O’Sullivan kid may not blow the doors off the statheads, but thus far he’s been a decent quarterback. Even before Jeremy Shockey went down, the Saints were struggling. Reggie Bush still isn’t being utilized properly, and the defense is still full of holes. $100 on the 49ers.

Vikings (+3) at Flaming Thumbtacks

The Flaming Thumbtacks are the best team in the AFC right now. Yep, a Kerry Collins-led team is better than the Patriots, Colts and Chargers. Gus Frerotte is certainly an upgrade over Tarvaris Jackson (excuse my language), but he isn’t going to beat this defense on the road. $150 on the Flaming Thumbtacks.

Bills (-8) at Rams

Is there any room left on the Bills wagon? If not, I’ll just make my own and call it the “holy god the Rams are awful” wagon. I don’t think the Bills are as good as their record indicates, but I do think the Rams are every bit as atrocious as they’ve looked. $100 on the Bills.

Ravens (+5) at Steelers

Ben, meet the guys. This is Ray, Bart, Haloti, Trevor and Terrell. Guys, this is Ben. Don’t worry about the five fat dudes in front of him. They might look like they’ll do something to you, but they won’t. $150 on the Ravens.

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. — Penn State coach Joe Paterno, on life support at a local medical facility, has expressed through a medium his desire to coach this weekend’s game at Wisconsin.

The medium, who, given her physique, should really be called an XXL, was quoted as saying that Joe Pa told her he “is not letting those &*$#%(! potheads on the field” if he is able to coach on Saturday, inexplicably referring to students that he suspended nearly 20 years ago, and that “only the kids who do right are going to play”. Paterno also reportedly stated that if he should pass away this season, the “&*$#%(! potheads” in question would “be haunted for the rest of their miserable pathetic existences”.

Former Penn State defensive end Maurice Evans, currently serving 17 consecutive life sentences in Sing Sing Correctional Facility, appeared to brush off Paterno’s comments, saying “Look, man. I ain’t won a goddamn game of dominoes in 8 months. What the &*$@ can that damn dinosaur to do me? My life ain’t gonna get no worse. Gimme ten, Wishbone. Look, if he wants to haunt my ass, he knows where I stay. I’ll whoop his *$#@(%& ghost’s ass in front of the whole damn cell block. I ain’t got nothin’ else to say. Chief! Get this &(*#@%$ chump outta my face.”

Athletic director Kerry Collins said the university is not seeking a replacement for Paterno, either interim or long-term. In between swigs of Jim Beam, Collins told the AP Joe Pa “will have his #&@*%($ machine wheeled out to the sideline if need be. He’s a gamer, man. He’s a %$*@#&% gamer. Wisconsin ain’t gettin’ off that easy.” Other university officials were either unavailable for comment or refused to do so.

Paterno will turn 100 this December. We say this with certainty because, after all, it’s Joe Paterno.

Copyright 2026 by The Associated Press

$50 on Chiefs (+5.5) over FALCONS

The Chiefs might be really terrible, but usually Herm fields at least competent teams. The Falcons are bad. I don’t see the Falcons winning by 6 points here, not with Leaf Ryan Matt Ryan calling the shots here.

$100 on VIKINGS (+3.5) over Panthers

Maybe the Vikings are really bad. Maybe the Panthers are really good. I’m loath to buy into either argument. The Vikings are at home, playing their superior quarterback (Hi, Gus! You look great!), and the line has moved too far in the Panthers’ direction because of Adrian Peterson probably not playing. But the Vikings’ running game isn’t really that much worse off without him. I think the Vikings win by about 7-10 points.

$100 on EAGLES (-3) over Steelers

The Eagles are firing on all cylinders as they usually are when McNabb and most of their o-line is healthy. The Steelers are easily the most overrated team in the league, the bandwagon crowding after they blew out the Texans and edged out the Browns, two teams that look frisky based on last year but, in reality, suck. It’s a bad matchup for the Steelers; the Eagles feature strong pass defense, strong pass offense and strong special teams. The Steelers are horrible at pass defense when they can’t pressure the QB into mistakes–which they won’t be able to do to McNabb–and have atrocious special teams. I expect a blowout, truth be told. Something like 34-20 or 34-24, but not as close as that score makes it look.

$50 on Jets (+10) over CHARGERS

What the Tarvaris Jackson is up with this line?

Yeah, so it’s been like 8 years since I last posted here. So shoot me. I got better things to do. But, as you know, I’m allergic to pure distilled freeze-dried stupidity, so from time to time I just get sucked in. Now, this here vat of venom is going to be deep and long and, well, long, so buckle your seatbelts or go get a life or something.

So, like I was saying. I was minding my own business when I get an email from Zeth. And it includes this link. To this ESPN article. Now, normally, I know what I’m going to get when I click on those. Usually I can handle it. Hit my head off the desk a time or two, swear a few times, I’m pretty much good to go.

But this one really pissed me off. I mean… my reaction sounded just like this. I ain’t kidding.

So here I am, boys, and the gloves are coming off. It is so on.

This thing starts off correctly enough: “Big Ben the NFL’s heir apparent to Brady and Manning.” Well, whatever. That’s not really true, but fine, you want to write an article stating the obvious–that Roethlisberger’s the third best quarterback in the league–fine. Brady’s knee went boom and Manning’s knee is being held together with rubber cement, so you gotta talk about somebody.

But no. Turns out this whole thing is an outlet for frankly embarrassing stupidity. As in, I’m embarrassed to be the same species as these guys, who are getting paid to write about football and write this kind of lunacy. Lunacy, I say!

Let’s move on.

The premise here is, ESPN got a bunch of idiots experts together  and said to them, “Hey, yo, there’s these five young QBs in the league, right? There’s Super Eli Manning, Jay Cutler, Phil Rivers, Tony Homo Romo, and that Ben Rerisbdrgiorvr guy, you know? So, would you rank them for us? And answer a few questions? Thanks.”

By the way, before we even get started, Tony Homo Romo is 28. 28, people! Two years younger than Brady. And Eli Manning is 27. These guys are not spring chickens. Roethlisberger and Rivers are 26, Cutler 25; I guess that’s young. 28 is not. But anyway.

Three of their five “experts” had enough brain function to rank Roethlisberger #1. The other three all ranked Eli Manning #1. Why? Well, because, Susie, they’re morons.

I mean, holy hell, people. Here’s Eli Manning’s yards per attempt, and his ranking among quarterbacks, for each year of his feeble, pathetic career:

2004: 5.3 (something like 58th)
2005: 6.75 (17th)
2006: 6.22 (28th)
2007: 6.31 (28th)

28th!!!! There are only 32 starting quarterbacks in the NFL, people! Eli Manning has consistently been among the worst quarterbacks in the league! Consistently! Every year!

QB rating for Cap’n Eli, year by year:

2004: 55.4 (I don’t know, 41st or something)
2005: 75.9 (23rd)
2006: 77.0 (18th)
2007: 73.9 (25th)

There is one category (and only one) where Eli Manning has consistently ranked near the top of the league since he entered it, which he led the league in his totally awesome 2007 World Championship Season. Interceptions.

One of the worst quarterbacks in the league, people! It’s insulting to Phil Rivers to get listed in a group with Eli Manning, much less actual good quarterbacks like Tony Romo and Ben Roethlisberger. Freakin’ Eli Manning. You know what Eli Manning is? Tarvaris Jackson, only with 500+ attempts per season. And without speed. I’d rather have Tarvaris Jackson running my team. I wouldn’t quite rather have Tarvaris Jackson running my team, but it’s close. Closer than the gap between Super Eli and Phil freakin’ Rivers. And three people WHO ARE GETTING PAID FOR THEIR OPINIONS rank Eli Manning AS THE THIRD-BEST QUARTERBACK IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. On the basis of WHAT?! Damn it, people!

Ben Roethlisberger and Tony mother-loving Romo are much, much closer to Tom Brady and Peyton Manning than they are to Phil Rivers and Jay Cutler, to say nothing of that Jay Schroeder wannabe quarterbacking the Giants.  You know whose career yards per attempt and rating are better–the YPA is much better–than Eli Manning’s?

Gus Frerotte.
And Aaron Brooks. Aaron Brooks!
And, while we’re at it, Michael Vick.
And Jay Fiedler.
And Drew Bledsoe. Post-Patriots Drew Bledsoe.

For God’s sake, do I have to go on? Fine. I will.

Rob Johnson was way better than Eli Manning.
Brian Griese was way better than Eli Manning.
Jeff Blake was better.
Remember Tim Couch? Played for those horrible Browns teams, was out of the league at 26? His YPA and rating are better than Eli Manning’s.
Bubby Brister’s YPA is better, his rating only slightly lower. Bubby. Brister.
Neil O’Donnell? Waaaay better.
Remember how much Vince Young sucked last year? And how bad his receivers allegedly are? His YPA was better last year than Manning’s career number.

Seriously. Tim Couch. This is getting disgusting. This is horrible.

Remember Jim Harbaugh? Better than Eli Manning.
Steve DeBerg? Better than Eli Manning.
Erik Kramer.
Rodney Peete.
Jon Kitna.
Jake Plummer.
Kerry Collins.
You know David Carr? The dude backing Super Eli up? David Carr’s YPA and rating are slightly better than Eli’s. (Carr got sacked so much Manning’s certainly better… but DAVID CARR is close. David. Carr.)

Good god. Let me say that again. Good god! Remember a couple things about all these guys. Number one, they all played back in the 90s (some in the 80s), in *much* more difficult contexts than Manning’s. That means their stats are better than they look by modern standards. But they’re still better than Eli Manning’s. Also, most of these guys are long gone; their numbers include their decline phases. But wait! you say. But Eli hasn’t hit his prime yet! First, yes, he has. Second, even if you only look at the first four years of almost all of these guys’ careers, they’re still better than Eli Manning’s work to date.

This. Guy. SUCKS.

Eli Manning ranks 22nd among active quarterbacks in yards per attempt, which is basically last among guys that have enough attempts to qualify.

Following is the entire, comprehensive list of every QB in NFL history that has more yards per attempt than Ben Roethlisberger:

Otto Graham
Tony Romo
Sid Luckman

HOW THE HELL COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK ELI MANNING IS BETTER THAN BEN ROETHLISBERGER?!?!?!?!!?

———————————-

OK, that was part one. I’m just getting warmed the hell up.

The only debate to be had about “who’s the best QB in the league, besides Peyton Manning and Tom Brady?” is whether it should be Roethlisberger or Romo. I’d argue it’s Roethlisberger, but if you want to argue for Romo, that’s cool. He has a case. It’s early in his career, of course, but as of right now here’s the entire list of quarterbacks with a higher career passer rating than Tony Romo:

(crickets)

Fooled you! There is no such list. Nobody in history has a higher career passer rating than Tony Romo.

Anyway, I’d go with Roethlisberger, because I feel better about having him back there with a game or season on the line, but that’s just me. You want Romo, good for you. Romo’s crazy good.

Now, Phil Rivers, he’s pretty good. Better than people think. Jay Cutler, I don’t know. He’s certainly better than Eli Manning, who is basically Kyle Boller with better footwork, but Cutler’s accuracy is no great shakes itself. Whether he’s actually going to end up being awesome, beats me.

Anyway. The first question ESPN asked the panel was: What is the most important factor when evaluating NFL quarterbacks?

First, let’s take the correct answer: The correct answer is, can the guy perform under pressure? Pass rush pressure, game situation pressure, it’s both of them, really, and more or less the same attribute. That’s what always bothered me about Peyton Manning; he’s the absolutely, positively perfect quarterback — except he doesn’t do so well under pressure.

Anyhow, by that measure, it’s the same thing as the stats scream at you. Roethlisberger and Romo are way beyond everybody else, Roethlisberger ahead of Romo, and Eli Manning is terrible. His unwavering answer to pressure is to launch the ball either three feet over Plaxico Burress’ head, or if he can’t see Plaxico, launch it somewhere random and hope something lucky happens. By contrast, Ben Roethlisberger’s reaction to pressure is, f*** you. Yeah, I’ll take two of that guy, thanks.

Now, the panel’s answers:

Jeremy Green: “It’s something I like to call FBI: football intelligence.” OK. That’s fine with me. Green ranked Roethlisberger #1, Manning #2, Romo #5. Whatever. Maybe Eli Manning will one day be a great QB coach because he has so much FBI, but he sucks as a quarterback.

Gary Horton: “The ability to read defenses and process information is the critical factor for success at this position in the NFL.” True. But most important? Guys like Brad Johnson were great at reading defenses, but merely pretty good quarterbacks. Horton’s choice for #1 was the guy that’s thrown by far the most interceptions. Because, I guess, that must mean he’s great at reading defenses.

Keith Kidd: “Let’s face it: At the end of the day, quarterbacks are judged on wins and production.” Keith, if you were in a court of law, the lawyer would be all over your ass for evading the question. That’s not an answer. You’re avoiding answering the question.

Anyhow, the quarterbacks that have the best W-L records as starters are: 1. Romo, 2. Roethlisberger, 3. Rivers, 4. Manning, 5. Cutler. Kidd’s rankings are: 1. Manning, 2. Cutler, 3. Roethlisberger, 4. Rivers, 5. Romo. Because, yeah, that makes sense. Holy s#$&, these people are brain dead. Don’t look at me like that. Somebody’s got to say it.

So, to summarize: Keith Kidd thinks “wins” and “production” are the most important things. The #1 guy, out of the five in question, is: Tony Romo. The #1 guy in production (measured, I presume, in passing yards) is: Tony Romo. So obviously, Keith Kidd ranks Tony Romo: 5th out of 5.

Doug Kretz: “The ability to learn an offense and read coverages is most important.” Doug, I can learn an offense and read coverages, but I’ll never play in the NFL, and you know why? Because I can’t f**king throw. And also because I weigh like 170 pounds. And also because, whereas Ben Roethlisberger’s reaction to a 300 pound lineman charging at him is to use his left arm to knock him down while using his right to launch a pass 40 yards downfield, mine is more along the lines of “crawl into fetal position and weep like a baby.”

You know who’s freaking awesome at learning offenses and reading coverages? Ron Jaworski. I don’t care that he’s like 62: Get this man back into a uniform. Bill Belichick, are you listening to me?

Oddly, though it sounds like Kretz’ “learning offense and reading coverages” would be a flimsy excuse to pick Eli Manning, he selected, as his #1 guy: Ben Roethlisberger. And he’s the only guy that ranked Manning below 3rd (4th, ahead of Rivers). So I don’t know what the hell is up.

Ken Moll: “There are a bunch of factors when evaluating a quarterback, but for me accuracy has to be No. 1.”

Sure, accuracy’s important. If any sane human ranked these five guys in terms of accuracy, the list would be something like:

1. Roethlisberger

3. Romo

7. Rivers
8. Cutler

143. Manning

So, needless to say, Ken Moll’s #1 guy is: Ben Roethlisberger. Good god! A rational choice! But he still has Eli Manning 3rd. I’m starting to think ESPN has these guys at gunpoint.

Tag Ribary: “Accuracy is the most important factor.” Same thing Moll said, except Tag Ribary evidently thinks the most accurate of these five guys is: Eli Manning. Not only has Tag Ribary accidentally exposed the fact that he obviously has never watched a f**king football game in his life, he’s wasting oxygen even as we speak.

Matt Williamson: “There isn’t just one, of course, but I’d say accuracy.” Same answer as Moll’s, and in fact his 1-5 list is identical to Moll’s.

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Oh, no. I’m not done yet. That was just the first question.

The next question is: Which of these QBs would you want running your team right now?

I’m not going to waste time quoting each guy, because after all I just got done telling you who their #1 guys were. Actually, yeah, I will, because these guys are really pissing me off.

“For me, it came down to Roethlisberger or Manning. Why? Both have Super Bowl rings.”

“Without a doubt, it’s Brady. But I can’t have him, so I’ll go with Manning over Cutler. Manning was simply amazing in the postseason…” (Yeah, because three games are so much f**king more important than four years.)

“Manning can do all of these things effectively, and he now has a proven track record of playing well in the biggest of games — which most of the players on this list have yet to prove.”

“Most impressive is Big Ben’s winning percentage — and his Super Bowl ring.”

God, this drives me nuts.

The most impressive thing about Ben Roethlisberger is his Super Bowl ring? Did you watch that Super Bowl? Roethlisberger sucked on ice. Did you watch last year’s Super Bowl, any of you? Eli Manning was even worse. He was horrendous.

There’s a lot of this hot steaming bullcrap in this article: How Roethlisberger and Manning are the best two guys because they have the Super Bowl rings. This is just ridiculously preposterous, and what’s more offensive, it’s lazy. We come to these guys for analysis, not to hear so-and-so’s the best because he won a title. We know that, moron.

If it weren’t for Trent Dilfer, bless his heart, Eli Manning would be the worst QB to win a Super Bowl since… I don’t know. Probably ever. And on THREE SEPARATE F**KING OCCASIONS ON THE LAST F**KING DRIVE ALONE he tried to throw the game away. Three! The first prayer sailed harmlessly to no one in particular. The second one he fired directly to Asante Samuel, a perfect strike for a season-ending interception, and Samuel dropped it. The third one Manning, not even looking (and some people talk like that’s a good thing!) heaved the ball in no particular direction, and it somehow stuck to David f-ing Tyree’s helmet.

Yeah, Eli Manning is so damn clutch.

Anyway, I think I’m about ready to stop now. Have I made my point? I think I have. The last two questions are… well, here’s the one: Which has the single most impressive strength?

The answer is, Roethlisberger’s ridiculous ability to Houdini out of pressure and look for and locate an open man downfield. Usually way downfield. That crap Manning did in the Super Bowl, and the ball stuck to Tyree’s helmet? That was something Roethlisberger does, literally, really, like six times a week. And he actually pays attention to where he’s throwing the ball when he throws it, even under pressure. It’s amazing!

And the seven answers the ESPN’s stooges gave were:

1. Cutler’s quick release.
2. Manning’s ballhandling skills. (The ballhandling skills of the guy that led the NFL in interceptions.)
3. Cutler, in general. (I’m convinced Keith Kidd’s goal here was to not actually answer any of the questions.)
4. Cutler’s arm strength, at least when he has time to set his feet.
5. Cutler’s arm strength, at least when he has time to set his feet.
6. Cutler’s arm strength.
7. Cutler’s arm strength.

And this, my friends, is why grotesquely awful quarterbacks like Kyle Boller and J.P. Losman and Rex Grossman and Ryan Leaf keep getting drafted in the first round, year after year after god-forsaken year. Because, while they may pay lip service to stuff like accuracy and reading defenses, scouts are desperately in love with arm strength.

More to the point, it couldn’t be more painfully obvious what’s going on here: ESPN (and/or the media in general) is desperately looking for The Next Brett Favre, and right now Jay Cutler is the guy they’re hanging their dreams on. They thought maybe it could be Romo, but no, his arm isn’t strong enough and he chokes in big games (you know, just like Brett Favre did from 1993-1995). So now, it’s gotta be Cutler. He’s just a kid, having fun out there.

OK, and the last question, of course, was: Which has the most glaring weakness? And again, the answer is just obvious to anyone with any brain activity: Eli Manning has no accuracy. At all.

But I just love the answers here for their low-wattage goodness.

1. Romo’s inability to step up in the playoffs.
2. Romo’s propensity for turnovers. (The propensity for turnovers of the highest rated passer in NFL history.) Meanwhile, Gary Horton has spent this whole wretched article swinging from Eli’s, um, facemask. You know, the guy that’s thrown more interceptions than anybody else since 2005. Gary Horton: You are wasting our oxygen.
3. Romo’s inability to win in the playoffs.
4. Rivers’ mechanics.
5. Manning’s accuracy. (GLORY HALLELUJAH, KEN MOLL SEES THE LIGHT!!!!!)
6. Rivers’ mobility. You know, because he blew his knee last year. The least mobile guy in the group is Eli Manning, but I guess Tag Ribary has really soured on Tom Brady. Forget it, dude’s career is probably over.
7. Cutler’s decision-making. (A reasonable choice, actually.)

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This “Scouts Inc.” outfit that writes this crap for ESPN pretty much flagrantly exists for the sole purpose of paying the bills of sucky ex-talent evaluators while they wait for another front office job to come along (and one always does, sooner or later). This is pretty atrocious, mostly nonsensical stuff, but… it’s not like these are the only seven guys that think Eli Manning is all that and a bag of chips. I’m just freaking mystified by this. Why does everyone insist he’s awesome when he sucks? I mean, it’s not just that he’s average but overrated, like Brett Favre the past five years, or Marc Bulger or somebody. He’s bad. He’s awful. But he played OK, pretty good, for four games against good defenses under playoff pressure. That’s great.

But that doesn’t erase the regular seasons!

See, the difference is, Ben Roethlisberger in 2005 was awesome in the playoffs and was really, really awesome during the regular season. Tony Romo in 2007 laid an egg in the playoffs, but let’s face it, this is a Wade Phillips team we’re talking about; did you really expect any less? Tony Romo was f**king awesome in the 2007 regular season. What sane person looks at this choice:

OPTION A: 56.1%, 6.3 yards per attempt, 23 touchdowns, 20 interceptions
OPTION B: 64.4%, 8.1 yards per attempt, 36 touchdowns, 19 interceptions

What sane person looks at that and chooses Option A for any reason? No one. That would be stupid. Yet almost everyone does, because: Option A won a championship! Well, golly gee, maybe having the best f**king defensive line of all time with maybe the possible exception of the 1976 Steelers might have something to do with that?

Here, I’ll offer you another choice:

OPTION A: 56.1%, 6.3 yards per attempt, 23 touchdowns, 20 interceptions
OPTION B: 58.2%, 6.5 yards per attempt, 9 touchdowns, 12 interceptions
OPTION C: 61.1%, 6.3 yards per attempt, 9 touchdowns, 10 interceptions
OPTION D: 60.0%, 6.5 yards per attempt, 12 touchdowns, 11 interceptions

You look at that list… guys A and D played most of the season, guys B and C played about 11 games each. Look that over, and it’s not really clear which of them is the best. D has the edge, I think, A and C are about even–the extra 5% in completion percentage is helpful–and B is a little behind, but not much. They’re all basically in the same group, overall.

Well, you already know that Option A is Eli Manning, World’s Best Young Quarterback.

Option B is Tarvaris Jackson. C is Kyle Boller. D is Jason Campbell, who, I’m sure you noted, was not included in the Best Young Quarterback poll of Scouts Inc.

Now, let me ask you: Who had better receivers to throw to? Eli Manning, or Tarvaris Jackson? Giants, or Vikings?

Eli Manning, or Kyle Boller? Who had the better players around him?

Eli Manning, or Jason Campbell? Who had better guys to throw to?

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This sh#$ about Eli Manning being mentioned in the same breath as Tony Romo and Ben Roethlisberger is f**king disgusting. Ridiculous. Beyond ridiculous. I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore. You might see more of me, dismantling more BS the media cranks out about how Eli Manning is a Winner™.

One more thing. Who holds the all time freaking record for best W-L record in a season by a quarterback, if you care so much about Winners™? That’s right: Tom Brady, 16-0 in 2007. You know who’s record he broke?

Ben Roethlisberger’s. 13-0 in 2004. As a f**king rookie.

1. The Texans are terrible and will do no better than 6-10. Maybe if they dump Schaub in favor of Rosenfels they’ll be better, I don’t know.

2. The Vikings are, for whatever reason, just not very good. 6-10 there also.

3. The Colts really miss Jeff Saturday.

4. The honeymoon is over for Derek Anderson, who’s about to run into the Game Film Wall.

5. The Chargers are going to remember they’re coached by Norv Turner and stumble to an 8-8 or 9-7 finish (which is pretty bad if you’re in the NFC West.)

6. The Patriots are going to be fine. Maybe they won’t win the AFC Championship, but they’ll go 11-5 at least.

7. The Flaming Thumbtacks are going to be pretty good with Kerry Collins leading the way. Not championship-quality good, but borderline playoff team good.

8. The Detroit Lions are–stop me if you’ve heard this before–atrocious. Looks like another year of 4-12 or worse for them.

OK, that’s eight things. I’ll stop there. These all seem like eminently reasonable conclusions to me, but wait and see if 3 or 4 of them don’t look ridiculous within two months, much less by the end of the season.

Last week you’ll have to trust me when I say I broke even (I won $50 on Eagles over Rams and lost $50 on Bears over Colts.) This week, here are the investments I’m making:

$50 on Saints (PK) over Redskins in Washington. I think the Redskins have talent and will prove to be fine once the new coaching staff gets its act together later in the year, but right now they look pretty discombobulated. I picked the Saints to win the AFC South, I’m sticking with it, so this is an investment I’ll make.

$50 on Patriots (+1) over Jets. The only thing making me nervous about this one is it’s really Patriots (+1) agianst the Jets With Every Possible Assistance From the Referees as the NFL continues to invest resources in the Legend of Brett Favre. But the Patriots are still a really good team. Honest.

Why?

Todd Boeckman can’t beat a good team.  The Trojans are faster than the speed of light on defense.  Mark Sanchez is good, not great, but that’s okay.  Joe McKnight is a monster.  Beanie Wells wouldn’t make a difference.

My USC versus Florida BCS Title Game pick is still alive, and will be tomorrow.

-Speaking of, Miami is coming back.  Watch out.  They valleyed last year; and it was only 5-7, not Weis-like.  Randy Shannon can recruit (how hard is it to convince a high school player to come to beautiful South Florida, play for a team with tons of stars in the NFL and several more on the walls of the facilities… and I’m not even mentioning the Kalvin Sampson like amenities they don’t list on the brouchure!).  I believe Florida will have their way with the Canes, but still,  it’s coming.  New Year’s Day bowl for Miami?  Why not?

-Oklahoma hosts Cincinnati.  I think the Sooners will win, but it will not be easy.  Bearcats’ coach Brian Kelly is a smart, smart guy, and we all know how often the Sooners like to roll over and die.

-Georgia Tech will roll over Boston College.  Good defensive-line, and a real option offense under Paul Johnson.

-Upset special of the highest order!!!  CENTRAL MICHIGAN OVER GEORGIA!

And, as always, don’t call me crazy…