Here’s what we’ve learned, or should have learned, in the first five weeks of the season. In order to maintain some sense of organization, I’ll do this on a division-by-division basis.

NFC East

  • The Cowboys, as we knew before training camp even opened up, are loaded for an all-or-nothing campaign. Unfortunately, with Tony Romo remaining turnover-prone, T.O. being T.O. and Wade Phillips still being at the controls of this ship, it looks like it’s going to be a thirteenth consecutive year of nothing. Hey, Wade, here’s a little advice. You are not supposed to run the football 11 times in an entire game against anyone. Seriously, that’s some of the worst play-calling since, well, this. On the bright side, Dig Dug Jones has kept his nose clean and played some good football. If Dallas was for real, they would have handled business a lot more soundly against the Bungles. As I see it, we’re used to one-and-done postseason performances in the post-Jimmy Johnson era, so one more won’t hurt — if we even get there, which looks like a really shaky prospect right now.
  • Not much has changed in Philadelphia. Donnie Football somehow remains effective despite severe accuracy issues, Brian Westbrook remains freakishly athletic but injury-prone, and DeSean Jackson hasn’t learned a damn thing since high school about showboating. I rank his premature celebration against the Cowboys a few weeks ago right behind Leon Lett’s pair of bonehead moves. Had the Eagles been unable to capitalize on the good fortune of keeping the ball, it might have even surpassed them. Not a whole lot else to say here, this is as good a team as most of us expected, but Westbrook’s most recent injury worries me. I still wouldn’t sleep on these guys come January.
  • It’s been a long time coming, but ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to Jason Campbell, good NFL quarterback. I’ve been preaching about this guy’s development for the better part of two years now (ask Justin — he was ready to break my fingers over this guy for a while) and he’s finally settling into a good offensive scheme and producing some fantastic results. How fantastic, you ask? Well, read it and weep, boys — The Redskins are currently #1 in passing DVOA, ahead of the Saints and Chargers. Don’t be surprised to see this team make some noise in the playoffs, which would solidify Campbell’s status as a very good NFL quarterback.
  • The Giants… oh dear, where do I begin? FO inexplicably likes Super Eli this year — they’ve got him at #7 in DYAR, nestled between Jason Campbell and Kurt Warner. Now, before you spit your drink out in disbelief, understand that some of this CAN be explained. A wise man once said “LOOK AT THE SCHEDULE!!”, so let’s do that, shall we? Thus far, the only competent pass defense that Super Eli played was that of the Redskins. His line for that game? 19-35, 216 yards, INT. This is what those of us who aren’t complete idiots call a typical Super Eli game. Since then, he’s played the Rams (31st in pass defense), Bengals (26th) and Seahawks (23rd). Let’s crunch his numbers against these luminaries. 65-97, 816 yards, 6 TD. Friends, that works out to a 67% completion percentage, 8.4 yards per attempt and a 113.6 passer rating. So there you have it — he’s #7 in DYAR because he’s played extremely user-friendly pass defenses. The Giants have a tough stretch of games beginning in week 8 (@PIT, DAL, @PHI, BAL), so that’s when we’ll see what Super Eli’s really made of. Oh, and hey, Justin Tuck is really, really good. I knew this, and Osi is certainly still sorely missed, but Tuck is outperforming even my expectations, making complete fools of would-be blockers on a weekly basis. He’s a scary, scary dude, and if the Giants make the playoffs, he’ll be the reason they do it. So spare me the Super Eli propaganda.

NFC North

  • Turns out that after years of The Cedric Benson Experiment the Bears may have finally found a good running back. Does anyone else find it a little odd that the only two black guys named Matt that I can think of off the top of my head are professional athletes (Kemp being the other one)? Is it really that much of a white guy name? Anyway, Chicago isn’t great, but you don’t need to be great to win the North this season, what with Gus Frerotte being a starter and the Lions still hanging around to hand out free wins. With the Packers’ injury situation, it wouldn’t shock me to see the Bears take this division, even with Neckbeard the Talentless at the helm.
  • The Vikings, in fact, are not one piece shy of a Super Bowl run. OK, OK, they went into New Orleans and kicked around a defenseless (literally) Saints team who was only in the game because Reggie Bush is like the damn Road Runner when returning punts. Good for them. They’re still 2-3. I’ll give Brad Childress credit for this, though — he realized early in the season that Tarvaris Jackson wasn’t cutting the mustard and sent Grandpa Gus in. Most coaches refuse to bench a quarterback simply because it’s the most important position on the team. Well, gee, that’s why you should be QUICK to bench an underperforming quarterback. Unless, I dunno, you like having your team dragged down by the Alex Smiths and Derek Andersons (hint hint) of the world. I’m not high on this team, but they should come out of this mess at 8-8 or better.
  • It still doesn’t seem right to see a guy not wearing #4 taking the snaps in Green Bay. And soon it may not be #12 under center, either. Aaron Rodgers is hurting, and that’s very, very bad news for Packers fans. Trust me, you don’t want any of The Matt Flynn Project. So eat right, say your prayers, and hope that Rodgers’ shoulder holds together until week 8, when he can give it some well-needed rest. Until then, the running game needs to step up to take some pressure off of Rodgers. Ryan Grant, for all the bitching and whining he did this offseason to get a new deal, is averaging 3.7 yards per rush and has yet to find the end zone. Brandon Jackson has been solid in relief duties, and if Grant continues to struggle, he should be considered for a larger percentage of work. In the grand scheme of things, though, the Packers’ season literally rests on the shoulder of their quarterback, because their big-money running back isn’t getting the job done and their defense isn’t going to make or break any games (although they would do well to get better at stopping the run). Don’t hold your breath, cheeseheads.
  • You know how many things have gone right for the Detroit Lions this year? One. The bad news is he left behind such a mess that rebuilding will take a minimum of five years. This team is just awful. Roy Williams isn’t getting any younger, the defense can’t stop anybody, Jon Kitna’s eligible for social security at the end of the season, the offensive line is right up there (or down there, depending on your perspective) with that of the Steelers in terms of incompetence, and if Rudi Johnson is your rushing leader, that means Rudi Johnson is your rushing leader. I could literally write a hundred more negative things about this franchise, but I’m pretty sure WordPress has some kind of length limit, so let’s just say that a game against the Texans in a couple of weeks is the Lions’ only shot at a win this year. 0-16 is a very, very realistic possibility.

NFC South

  •  It’s too early to tell, but folks, there may be a very shocking development down in Atlanta. Bear with me here… Matt Ryan could actually be a decent quarterback. True, he looked terrible against the Buccaneers in week 2. True, he didn’t do much of anything against the Panthers last week. But that was a very good Packers pass defense that he posted a 94.1 rating against. On the road, even! I’m not thrilled about his Ron Mexico-esque 54.2% completion rate at this point, but with Roddy White being his primary receiver we can’t expect the kind of numbers that good QBs with good receivers post. I was tough on Ryan before, during and after the draft, but he’s got me wondering if he has what it takes to develop as an NFL signal-caller. Oh, and hey, Michael Turner is good. He’s struggled against quality defenses (read: the same ones that Ryan had problems with), but he’s also found the end zone six times and is tops in the league in rushing yards. I don’t like his chances to stay there, but a 1400-yard campaign isn’t out of the question. Not bad for a guy who spent the last four seasons as a backup and occasional kick returner. We’ll see what they’re made of when they play the Bears, then get a week off before heading up to Philly. I actually like their chances to clear 8-8, and I never would have imagined myself saying that two months ago.
  • The Saints are a very, very weird team. The good news is, because of their offense and special teams (at least the non-kicking aspect of it), 24 points appears to be the bare minimum that you have to put up if you want to compete with them. The bad news is their defense seems more than willing to give you those 24 points, then hand you a few more. Their pass rush is fine, but their linebackers are banged up and their secondary has never been able to hang with anyone. We’re talking about a secondary that still includes Jason David, who, just last year, was WORSE THAN A HOLE IN ZONE COVERAGE. Seriously, I’m not making this up. Fire up Google and have a look around. The average pass caught in a hole in zone coverage went for something like 11.6 yards. The average pass caught against Jason David? 14.5 yards. By all standards, it was one of the worst seasons for a defensive back in NFL history. The addition of Jonathan Vilma had me all excited before the season, so I had the Saints pegged as a sleeper, but the only sleeping that’s being done is by their so-called pass defense. All I can say is it must suck to know that you’re going to score around 450 points this season and still finish below .500.
  • Well, hello Panthers. Where have you been? Oh, I see you have a healthy Jake Delhomme now. That’s good news. And what’s this? A good running game? Hey, that’s just swell. Ooh, your defense appears to be very solid too. Wait, you’re sporting a 4-1 record? Let me guess, you’ve played the Lions, Rams, Texans and… wait, you’ve actually had a semi-tough schedule? Hmm, so you have. I see you went into San Diego and upended the Chargers… and then beat the Bears, who are actually kind of good this year. Impressive! Seriously, though, I had the Panthers at #3 on my power rankings after week 5. This defense looks like the Carolina defenses of old, albeit not quite as stout on the ground. Offensively, I had my doubts about Jonathan Stewart, figuring he’d just be another one-and-done back that John Fox would try to use, unsuccessfully, to fix the Panthers’ ground game woes. Turns out he’s not bad, particularly in a two-back system with DeAngelo Williams. These platoon backfields seemed like a screwy idea when they first caught on, but I love them. They’re fantastic when you have a talented but fragile back like Williams who can’t handle 300 carries. This team should continue to impress and take the South with relative ease.
  • &*$@ the heck happened to the Buccaneers? What was Chucky Gruden thinking when he benched Jeff Garcia in favor of… Brian Griese? Something tells me Gruden just isn’t the brightest bulb in the box when it comes to evaluating player talent. Don’t get me wrong, he has a great football mind, but… Griese over Garcia? I don’t care if you’re 3-2 — you’re not winning because of Griese, you’re winning in spite of him. I mean, he threw the ball 67 times against the Bears and all he could show for it was 27 points? Two weeks later, he went to Denver, who might actually have a worse defense than the Saints, and had a David Carr-esque game — 68.4% completion percentage? Awesome. 4.6 yards per attempt and three sacks? Pass me the barf bag. Chucky, get this guy on the bench where he belongs unless you’re deliberately trying to make the wheels come off. I don’t care if your defense is #4 in the NFL right now — unless you have a defense comparable to that of the 2000 Ravens, sending out a bad quarterback week after week is eventually going to cripple you. Grandpa Garcia isn’t all that awesome anymore, but if you value your season, you will give the starting job back to him and you won’t touch it again this year.

WAC NFC West

  • I am genuinely shocked at how terrible the Seahawks are defensively. Super Eli just went all Ben Roethlisberger on them to the tune of 19-25 for 267 and 2 scores. Weren’t they at least decent at stopping people a year ago? Yes, in fact, the DVOA archives for 2007 tell me that they ranked 11th in the NFL. I don’t see any significant transactions that would have led to such a collapse, so it’s actually kind of puzzling. Granted they did have the easiest schedule in the NFL last season, but they haven’t exactly played juggernaut offenses thus far in 2008. Trent Edwards is certainly a competent quarterback, so there’s no real shame in losing at Buffalo, but if you let San Francisco come into your house and drop 33, you’ve got serious defensive issues. And, as noted above, the Giants tap-danced all over this defense, utilizing receivers that nobody’s ever heard of (Domenik who?) en route to putting up 44 points. In years past you could count on the Seahawks walking all over the West before quietly exiting the playoffs, but now, with Matt Hasselbeck’s health in question and injuries forcing a different set of receivers onto the field every Sunday, it looks like major changes are on the way.
  • Say what you will about the post-Garcia/Owens 49ers — there are certainly plenty of disparaging things to say, you don’t need my help to come up with a few. Things are definitely looking up in the Bay Area, though. Time finally ran out on The Alex Smith Project, and now some guy named J.T. O’Sullivan is taking the snaps. Sounds like a stage name if you ask me, but he’s not a bad quarterback. The funny thing is he’s been around for a while despite getting no playing time — he’s had stints as a backup with the Saints, Packers, Vikings, Patriots, Panthers and Lions (where he actually did throw 26 passes). You’re not alone if you never heard of him prior to this season — a lot of us had to do some research on him, and it turns out he really isn’t terrible. And if you’re a 49ers fan, “he isn’t terrible” sounds like “he’s f&$(*!% awesome” after being tortured by Trent Dilfer, Tim Rattay and Ken Dorsey for years. With the Seahawks in free-fall mode, 8-8 just might win this division, and why can’t this be the team to do it?
  • Meet the new Cardinals, same as the old Cardinals. One game Kurt Warner parties like it’s 1999, the next he parties like it’s 2004. Arizona has one of the most terrifying deep balls in the league, but here’s where the problem lies — they don’t have a consistent ground game to help them open up the deep ball on a regular basis. You can’t simply pass your way to a division title, even in a division as weak as this one. One thing that has changed is the defense. It hasn’t been completely awful — even taking into account the 56-35 romping by the Jets, Arizona’s D is ranked 14th in DVOA. Based on the West’s weakness, they just might win enough shootouts to sneak into a fight with San Francisco for the division title. At the very least, it’ll be entertaining to watch.
  • The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams should change their name to the Black Holes. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams should be sponsored by Oreck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. The Rams suck. Holy crap, the Rams are terrible.