October 7th, 2026

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. — Penn State coach Joe Paterno, on life support at a local medical facility, has expressed through a medium his desire to coach this weekend’s game at Wisconsin.

The medium, who, given her physique, should really be called an XXL, was quoted as saying that Joe Pa told her he “is not letting those &*$#%(! potheads on the field” if he is able to coach on Saturday, inexplicably referring to students that he suspended nearly 20 years ago, and that “only the kids who do right are going to play”. Paterno also reportedly stated that if he should pass away this season, the “&*$#%(! potheads” in question would “be haunted for the rest of their miserable pathetic existences”.

Former Penn State defensive end Maurice Evans, currently serving 17 consecutive life sentences in Sing Sing Correctional Facility, appeared to brush off Paterno’s comments, saying “Look, man. I ain’t won a goddamn game of dominoes in 8 months. What the &*$@ can that damn dinosaur to do me? My life ain’t gonna get no worse. Gimme ten, Wishbone. Look, if he wants to haunt my ass, he knows where I stay. I’ll whoop his *$#@(%& ghost’s ass in front of the whole damn cell block. I ain’t got nothin’ else to say. Chief! Get this &(*#@%$ chump outta my face.”

Athletic director Kerry Collins said the university is not seeking a replacement for Paterno, either interim or long-term. In between swigs of Jim Beam, Collins told the AP Joe Pa “will have his #&@*%($ machine wheeled out to the sideline if need be. He’s a gamer, man. He’s a %$*@#&% gamer. Wisconsin ain’t gettin’ off that easy.” Other university officials were either unavailable for comment or refused to do so.

Paterno will turn 100 this December. We say this with certainty because, after all, it’s Joe Paterno.

Copyright 2026 by The Associated Press