Yeah, so it’s been like 8 years since I last posted here. So shoot me. I got better things to do. But, as you know, I’m allergic to pure distilled freeze-dried stupidity, so from time to time I just get sucked in. Now, this here vat of venom is going to be deep and long and, well, long, so buckle your seatbelts or go get a life or something.

So, like I was saying. I was minding my own business when I get an email from Zeth. And it includes this link. To this ESPN article. Now, normally, I know what I’m going to get when I click on those. Usually I can handle it. Hit my head off the desk a time or two, swear a few times, I’m pretty much good to go.

But this one really pissed me off. I mean… my reaction sounded just like this. I ain’t kidding.

So here I am, boys, and the gloves are coming off. It is so on.

This thing starts off correctly enough: “Big Ben the NFL’s heir apparent to Brady and Manning.” Well, whatever. That’s not really true, but fine, you want to write an article stating the obvious–that Roethlisberger’s the third best quarterback in the league–fine. Brady’s knee went boom and Manning’s knee is being held together with rubber cement, so you gotta talk about somebody.

But no. Turns out this whole thing is an outlet for frankly embarrassing stupidity. As in, I’m embarrassed to be the same species as these guys, who are getting paid to write about football and write this kind of lunacy. Lunacy, I say!

Let’s move on.

The premise here is, ESPN got a bunch of idiots experts together  and said to them, “Hey, yo, there’s these five young QBs in the league, right? There’s Super Eli Manning, Jay Cutler, Phil Rivers, Tony Homo Romo, and that Ben Rerisbdrgiorvr guy, you know? So, would you rank them for us? And answer a few questions? Thanks.”

By the way, before we even get started, Tony Homo Romo is 28. 28, people! Two years younger than Brady. And Eli Manning is 27. These guys are not spring chickens. Roethlisberger and Rivers are 26, Cutler 25; I guess that’s young. 28 is not. But anyway.

Three of their five “experts” had enough brain function to rank Roethlisberger #1. The other three all ranked Eli Manning #1. Why? Well, because, Susie, they’re morons.

I mean, holy hell, people. Here’s Eli Manning’s yards per attempt, and his ranking among quarterbacks, for each year of his feeble, pathetic career:

2004: 5.3 (something like 58th)
2005: 6.75 (17th)
2006: 6.22 (28th)
2007: 6.31 (28th)

28th!!!! There are only 32 starting quarterbacks in the NFL, people! Eli Manning has consistently been among the worst quarterbacks in the league! Consistently! Every year!

QB rating for Cap’n Eli, year by year:

2004: 55.4 (I don’t know, 41st or something)
2005: 75.9 (23rd)
2006: 77.0 (18th)
2007: 73.9 (25th)

There is one category (and only one) where Eli Manning has consistently ranked near the top of the league since he entered it, which he led the league in his totally awesome 2007 World Championship Season. Interceptions.

One of the worst quarterbacks in the league, people! It’s insulting to Phil Rivers to get listed in a group with Eli Manning, much less actual good quarterbacks like Tony Romo and Ben Roethlisberger. Freakin’ Eli Manning. You know what Eli Manning is? Tarvaris Jackson, only with 500+ attempts per season. And without speed. I’d rather have Tarvaris Jackson running my team. I wouldn’t quite rather have Tarvaris Jackson running my team, but it’s close. Closer than the gap between Super Eli and Phil freakin’ Rivers. And three people WHO ARE GETTING PAID FOR THEIR OPINIONS rank Eli Manning AS THE THIRD-BEST QUARTERBACK IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. On the basis of WHAT?! Damn it, people!

Ben Roethlisberger and Tony mother-loving Romo are much, much closer to Tom Brady and Peyton Manning than they are to Phil Rivers and Jay Cutler, to say nothing of that Jay Schroeder wannabe quarterbacking the Giants.  You know whose career yards per attempt and rating are better–the YPA is much better–than Eli Manning’s?

Gus Frerotte.
And Aaron Brooks. Aaron Brooks!
And, while we’re at it, Michael Vick.
And Jay Fiedler.
And Drew Bledsoe. Post-Patriots Drew Bledsoe.

For God’s sake, do I have to go on? Fine. I will.

Rob Johnson was way better than Eli Manning.
Brian Griese was way better than Eli Manning.
Jeff Blake was better.
Remember Tim Couch? Played for those horrible Browns teams, was out of the league at 26? His YPA and rating are better than Eli Manning’s.
Bubby Brister’s YPA is better, his rating only slightly lower. Bubby. Brister.
Neil O’Donnell? Waaaay better.
Remember how much Vince Young sucked last year? And how bad his receivers allegedly are? His YPA was better last year than Manning’s career number.

Seriously. Tim Couch. This is getting disgusting. This is horrible.

Remember Jim Harbaugh? Better than Eli Manning.
Steve DeBerg? Better than Eli Manning.
Erik Kramer.
Rodney Peete.
Jon Kitna.
Jake Plummer.
Kerry Collins.
You know David Carr? The dude backing Super Eli up? David Carr’s YPA and rating are slightly better than Eli’s. (Carr got sacked so much Manning’s certainly better… but DAVID CARR is close. David. Carr.)

Good god. Let me say that again. Good god! Remember a couple things about all these guys. Number one, they all played back in the 90s (some in the 80s), in *much* more difficult contexts than Manning’s. That means their stats are better than they look by modern standards. But they’re still better than Eli Manning’s. Also, most of these guys are long gone; their numbers include their decline phases. But wait! you say. But Eli hasn’t hit his prime yet! First, yes, he has. Second, even if you only look at the first four years of almost all of these guys’ careers, they’re still better than Eli Manning’s work to date.

This. Guy. SUCKS.

Eli Manning ranks 22nd among active quarterbacks in yards per attempt, which is basically last among guys that have enough attempts to qualify.

Following is the entire, comprehensive list of every QB in NFL history that has more yards per attempt than Ben Roethlisberger:

Otto Graham
Tony Romo
Sid Luckman

HOW THE HELL COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK ELI MANNING IS BETTER THAN BEN ROETHLISBERGER?!?!?!?!!?

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OK, that was part one. I’m just getting warmed the hell up.

The only debate to be had about “who’s the best QB in the league, besides Peyton Manning and Tom Brady?” is whether it should be Roethlisberger or Romo. I’d argue it’s Roethlisberger, but if you want to argue for Romo, that’s cool. He has a case. It’s early in his career, of course, but as of right now here’s the entire list of quarterbacks with a higher career passer rating than Tony Romo:

(crickets)

Fooled you! There is no such list. Nobody in history has a higher career passer rating than Tony Romo.

Anyway, I’d go with Roethlisberger, because I feel better about having him back there with a game or season on the line, but that’s just me. You want Romo, good for you. Romo’s crazy good.

Now, Phil Rivers, he’s pretty good. Better than people think. Jay Cutler, I don’t know. He’s certainly better than Eli Manning, who is basically Kyle Boller with better footwork, but Cutler’s accuracy is no great shakes itself. Whether he’s actually going to end up being awesome, beats me.

Anyway. The first question ESPN asked the panel was: What is the most important factor when evaluating NFL quarterbacks?

First, let’s take the correct answer: The correct answer is, can the guy perform under pressure? Pass rush pressure, game situation pressure, it’s both of them, really, and more or less the same attribute. That’s what always bothered me about Peyton Manning; he’s the absolutely, positively perfect quarterback — except he doesn’t do so well under pressure.

Anyhow, by that measure, it’s the same thing as the stats scream at you. Roethlisberger and Romo are way beyond everybody else, Roethlisberger ahead of Romo, and Eli Manning is terrible. His unwavering answer to pressure is to launch the ball either three feet over Plaxico Burress’ head, or if he can’t see Plaxico, launch it somewhere random and hope something lucky happens. By contrast, Ben Roethlisberger’s reaction to pressure is, f*** you. Yeah, I’ll take two of that guy, thanks.

Now, the panel’s answers:

Jeremy Green: “It’s something I like to call FBI: football intelligence.” OK. That’s fine with me. Green ranked Roethlisberger #1, Manning #2, Romo #5. Whatever. Maybe Eli Manning will one day be a great QB coach because he has so much FBI, but he sucks as a quarterback.

Gary Horton: “The ability to read defenses and process information is the critical factor for success at this position in the NFL.” True. But most important? Guys like Brad Johnson were great at reading defenses, but merely pretty good quarterbacks. Horton’s choice for #1 was the guy that’s thrown by far the most interceptions. Because, I guess, that must mean he’s great at reading defenses.

Keith Kidd: “Let’s face it: At the end of the day, quarterbacks are judged on wins and production.” Keith, if you were in a court of law, the lawyer would be all over your ass for evading the question. That’s not an answer. You’re avoiding answering the question.

Anyhow, the quarterbacks that have the best W-L records as starters are: 1. Romo, 2. Roethlisberger, 3. Rivers, 4. Manning, 5. Cutler. Kidd’s rankings are: 1. Manning, 2. Cutler, 3. Roethlisberger, 4. Rivers, 5. Romo. Because, yeah, that makes sense. Holy s#$&, these people are brain dead. Don’t look at me like that. Somebody’s got to say it.

So, to summarize: Keith Kidd thinks “wins” and “production” are the most important things. The #1 guy, out of the five in question, is: Tony Romo. The #1 guy in production (measured, I presume, in passing yards) is: Tony Romo. So obviously, Keith Kidd ranks Tony Romo: 5th out of 5.

Doug Kretz: “The ability to learn an offense and read coverages is most important.” Doug, I can learn an offense and read coverages, but I’ll never play in the NFL, and you know why? Because I can’t f**king throw. And also because I weigh like 170 pounds. And also because, whereas Ben Roethlisberger’s reaction to a 300 pound lineman charging at him is to use his left arm to knock him down while using his right to launch a pass 40 yards downfield, mine is more along the lines of “crawl into fetal position and weep like a baby.”

You know who’s freaking awesome at learning offenses and reading coverages? Ron Jaworski. I don’t care that he’s like 62: Get this man back into a uniform. Bill Belichick, are you listening to me?

Oddly, though it sounds like Kretz’ “learning offense and reading coverages” would be a flimsy excuse to pick Eli Manning, he selected, as his #1 guy: Ben Roethlisberger. And he’s the only guy that ranked Manning below 3rd (4th, ahead of Rivers). So I don’t know what the hell is up.

Ken Moll: “There are a bunch of factors when evaluating a quarterback, but for me accuracy has to be No. 1.”

Sure, accuracy’s important. If any sane human ranked these five guys in terms of accuracy, the list would be something like:

1. Roethlisberger

3. Romo

7. Rivers
8. Cutler

143. Manning

So, needless to say, Ken Moll’s #1 guy is: Ben Roethlisberger. Good god! A rational choice! But he still has Eli Manning 3rd. I’m starting to think ESPN has these guys at gunpoint.

Tag Ribary: “Accuracy is the most important factor.” Same thing Moll said, except Tag Ribary evidently thinks the most accurate of these five guys is: Eli Manning. Not only has Tag Ribary accidentally exposed the fact that he obviously has never watched a f**king football game in his life, he’s wasting oxygen even as we speak.

Matt Williamson: “There isn’t just one, of course, but I’d say accuracy.” Same answer as Moll’s, and in fact his 1-5 list is identical to Moll’s.

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Oh, no. I’m not done yet. That was just the first question.

The next question is: Which of these QBs would you want running your team right now?

I’m not going to waste time quoting each guy, because after all I just got done telling you who their #1 guys were. Actually, yeah, I will, because these guys are really pissing me off.

“For me, it came down to Roethlisberger or Manning. Why? Both have Super Bowl rings.”

“Without a doubt, it’s Brady. But I can’t have him, so I’ll go with Manning over Cutler. Manning was simply amazing in the postseason…” (Yeah, because three games are so much f**king more important than four years.)

“Manning can do all of these things effectively, and he now has a proven track record of playing well in the biggest of games — which most of the players on this list have yet to prove.”

“Most impressive is Big Ben’s winning percentage — and his Super Bowl ring.”

God, this drives me nuts.

The most impressive thing about Ben Roethlisberger is his Super Bowl ring? Did you watch that Super Bowl? Roethlisberger sucked on ice. Did you watch last year’s Super Bowl, any of you? Eli Manning was even worse. He was horrendous.

There’s a lot of this hot steaming bullcrap in this article: How Roethlisberger and Manning are the best two guys because they have the Super Bowl rings. This is just ridiculously preposterous, and what’s more offensive, it’s lazy. We come to these guys for analysis, not to hear so-and-so’s the best because he won a title. We know that, moron.

If it weren’t for Trent Dilfer, bless his heart, Eli Manning would be the worst QB to win a Super Bowl since… I don’t know. Probably ever. And on THREE SEPARATE F**KING OCCASIONS ON THE LAST F**KING DRIVE ALONE he tried to throw the game away. Three! The first prayer sailed harmlessly to no one in particular. The second one he fired directly to Asante Samuel, a perfect strike for a season-ending interception, and Samuel dropped it. The third one Manning, not even looking (and some people talk like that’s a good thing!) heaved the ball in no particular direction, and it somehow stuck to David f-ing Tyree’s helmet.

Yeah, Eli Manning is so damn clutch.

Anyway, I think I’m about ready to stop now. Have I made my point? I think I have. The last two questions are… well, here’s the one: Which has the single most impressive strength?

The answer is, Roethlisberger’s ridiculous ability to Houdini out of pressure and look for and locate an open man downfield. Usually way downfield. That crap Manning did in the Super Bowl, and the ball stuck to Tyree’s helmet? That was something Roethlisberger does, literally, really, like six times a week. And he actually pays attention to where he’s throwing the ball when he throws it, even under pressure. It’s amazing!

And the seven answers the ESPN’s stooges gave were:

1. Cutler’s quick release.
2. Manning’s ballhandling skills. (The ballhandling skills of the guy that led the NFL in interceptions.)
3. Cutler, in general. (I’m convinced Keith Kidd’s goal here was to not actually answer any of the questions.)
4. Cutler’s arm strength, at least when he has time to set his feet.
5. Cutler’s arm strength, at least when he has time to set his feet.
6. Cutler’s arm strength.
7. Cutler’s arm strength.

And this, my friends, is why grotesquely awful quarterbacks like Kyle Boller and J.P. Losman and Rex Grossman and Ryan Leaf keep getting drafted in the first round, year after year after god-forsaken year. Because, while they may pay lip service to stuff like accuracy and reading defenses, scouts are desperately in love with arm strength.

More to the point, it couldn’t be more painfully obvious what’s going on here: ESPN (and/or the media in general) is desperately looking for The Next Brett Favre, and right now Jay Cutler is the guy they’re hanging their dreams on. They thought maybe it could be Romo, but no, his arm isn’t strong enough and he chokes in big games (you know, just like Brett Favre did from 1993-1995). So now, it’s gotta be Cutler. He’s just a kid, having fun out there.

OK, and the last question, of course, was: Which has the most glaring weakness? And again, the answer is just obvious to anyone with any brain activity: Eli Manning has no accuracy. At all.

But I just love the answers here for their low-wattage goodness.

1. Romo’s inability to step up in the playoffs.
2. Romo’s propensity for turnovers. (The propensity for turnovers of the highest rated passer in NFL history.) Meanwhile, Gary Horton has spent this whole wretched article swinging from Eli’s, um, facemask. You know, the guy that’s thrown more interceptions than anybody else since 2005. Gary Horton: You are wasting our oxygen.
3. Romo’s inability to win in the playoffs.
4. Rivers’ mechanics.
5. Manning’s accuracy. (GLORY HALLELUJAH, KEN MOLL SEES THE LIGHT!!!!!)
6. Rivers’ mobility. You know, because he blew his knee last year. The least mobile guy in the group is Eli Manning, but I guess Tag Ribary has really soured on Tom Brady. Forget it, dude’s career is probably over.
7. Cutler’s decision-making. (A reasonable choice, actually.)

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This “Scouts Inc.” outfit that writes this crap for ESPN pretty much flagrantly exists for the sole purpose of paying the bills of sucky ex-talent evaluators while they wait for another front office job to come along (and one always does, sooner or later). This is pretty atrocious, mostly nonsensical stuff, but… it’s not like these are the only seven guys that think Eli Manning is all that and a bag of chips. I’m just freaking mystified by this. Why does everyone insist he’s awesome when he sucks? I mean, it’s not just that he’s average but overrated, like Brett Favre the past five years, or Marc Bulger or somebody. He’s bad. He’s awful. But he played OK, pretty good, for four games against good defenses under playoff pressure. That’s great.

But that doesn’t erase the regular seasons!

See, the difference is, Ben Roethlisberger in 2005 was awesome in the playoffs and was really, really awesome during the regular season. Tony Romo in 2007 laid an egg in the playoffs, but let’s face it, this is a Wade Phillips team we’re talking about; did you really expect any less? Tony Romo was f**king awesome in the 2007 regular season. What sane person looks at this choice:

OPTION A: 56.1%, 6.3 yards per attempt, 23 touchdowns, 20 interceptions
OPTION B: 64.4%, 8.1 yards per attempt, 36 touchdowns, 19 interceptions

What sane person looks at that and chooses Option A for any reason? No one. That would be stupid. Yet almost everyone does, because: Option A won a championship! Well, golly gee, maybe having the best f**king defensive line of all time with maybe the possible exception of the 1976 Steelers might have something to do with that?

Here, I’ll offer you another choice:

OPTION A: 56.1%, 6.3 yards per attempt, 23 touchdowns, 20 interceptions
OPTION B: 58.2%, 6.5 yards per attempt, 9 touchdowns, 12 interceptions
OPTION C: 61.1%, 6.3 yards per attempt, 9 touchdowns, 10 interceptions
OPTION D: 60.0%, 6.5 yards per attempt, 12 touchdowns, 11 interceptions

You look at that list… guys A and D played most of the season, guys B and C played about 11 games each. Look that over, and it’s not really clear which of them is the best. D has the edge, I think, A and C are about even–the extra 5% in completion percentage is helpful–and B is a little behind, but not much. They’re all basically in the same group, overall.

Well, you already know that Option A is Eli Manning, World’s Best Young Quarterback.

Option B is Tarvaris Jackson. C is Kyle Boller. D is Jason Campbell, who, I’m sure you noted, was not included in the Best Young Quarterback poll of Scouts Inc.

Now, let me ask you: Who had better receivers to throw to? Eli Manning, or Tarvaris Jackson? Giants, or Vikings?

Eli Manning, or Kyle Boller? Who had the better players around him?

Eli Manning, or Jason Campbell? Who had better guys to throw to?

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This sh#$ about Eli Manning being mentioned in the same breath as Tony Romo and Ben Roethlisberger is f**king disgusting. Ridiculous. Beyond ridiculous. I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore. You might see more of me, dismantling more BS the media cranks out about how Eli Manning is a Winner™.

One more thing. Who holds the all time freaking record for best W-L record in a season by a quarterback, if you care so much about Winners™? That’s right: Tom Brady, 16-0 in 2007. You know who’s record he broke?

Ben Roethlisberger’s. 13-0 in 2004. As a f**king rookie.