Browns (-3) at Rams

Anyone who has paid even a smidgen of attention to the NFL this season knows that the Rams really suck. I mean REALLY suck. We’re talking an absolutely massive black hole here. And yet I’m still going to take them. Derek Anderson hasn’t really beaten anyone yet, so if he can beat the Sheep by 20+ in St. Louis I just might become a believer. For now, though, the return of Steven Jackson is enough to convince me to try this abysmal team one more time. Rams.

Lions (+5) at Bears

Detroit actually ran the ball last week. It was just one of those things that, like Paris Hilton’s popularity, have no real explanation. And they actually did it against a decent defense. This team ain’t as bad as it used to be. Chicago, on the other hand, has Brian Griese at the controls and a defense that just got ripped for 200-plus on the ground. Sorry, I’m not interested. Lions.

Jaguars (+3.5) at Buccaneers

Always take the underdog… always… take… the underdog… Quinn Gray? No, ALWAYS take… the underdog… QUINN GRAY!!! Man, you know what? I don’t care anymore. F$#% Jeff Garcia, f&$@ Chucky Gruden, f&*$ Joey Galloway and f%#* this Earnest Graham character. Rule 6a stands, Quinn Gray or no Quinn Gray. Jaguars.

Colts (-7) at Panthers

Are you kidding me? Are you f&$#ing KIDDING ME?! I’d have been happy with Panthers -7, man. That’s the magic of VINNY, after all! But you’re GIVING me seven as part of the deal? You’re very generous. Thank you. Panthers.

Bills (+3) at Jets

Ugh. Maybe, just MAYBE, Mangenius will get fed up with Noodle-Arm Chad and we’ll get to see what Kellen Clemens is made of (which in all likelihood is not much). The Bills? They pushed the NFC’s best team to its absolute limit, and they beat Baltimore last week. Don’t get me wrong, the Ravens are struggling mightily, but they are still better than the Jets, so please pass the salt to go with these points. Bills.

Steelers (-3.5) at Bengals

Five underdogs in a row is enough. I can’t put any faith in the Bungles when they were made to look foolish for the first three quarters of last Sunday’s game. They went into the fourth quarter, at home, trailing a team that was 1-5. I think I’ve said enough. Steelers in the Catchy Phrase Pending LOCK OF THE WEEK.

Eagles (-1) at Vikings

Hmm, this is tough. Adrian Peterson, or a team that just lost to Brian Griese at home? My faith in the Eagles has run totally dry. I didn’t have faith in Tarvaris Jackson to begin with. My first real chance to sit and watch him came last week against my Cowboys, and he plays like even HE knows that he’s way too overmatched to logically hold a starting quarterback job in the NFL. But hey, I figure if you can turn around and hand the ball to #28 you’ll be just fine. Even he can’t mess that up. Vikings.

Raiders (+7.5) at Flaming Thumbtacks

No. No. No. No no no no no no no! Bizarre things happen at Reliant Stadium — just ask the Jaguars and Cowboys — so there is no way in hell that last week’s meltdown will have any effect on this game. Tennessee is still one of the five or so best teams in the AFC, especially with VY10 back. The Raiders, um… are not. And they just let Larry Johnson run all over them. Keep your points, I’ll take the Flaming Thumbtacks.

Ain’ts (-2.5) at 49ers

OK, horrible start to the season aside, think about this logically. It’s Drew Brees, Reggie Bush and Sean Payton versus Alex Smith, Frank Gore and Mike Nolan. Look, I’ll be honest, this game is going to be about as exciting as an average episode of Will and Grace, but I don’t think for one second that the 49ers are going to win. Hell if I know what the problem is over in N’Awlins, but they’ve got the firepower and San Fran doesn’t. Gimme the Ain’ts.

Dolphins (+9.5) “at” Giants

In the “who cares” department, the NFL is playing a game in London! You know those Brits are just licking their chops at the chance to see Eli Manning take on an 0-7 team. Hell, even I’m wetting myself with anticipation. Ah, nevermind, that’s just incontinence. Giants.

Redskins (+16) at Patriots

These huge Patriots spreads are getting scarier every week. The Redskins are tops in the league in defensive DVOA. Do I think this means they can shut down Tom Brady? No, because only God himself shuts down Tom Brady (and even he’s way too scared to do it), but I don’t think we’ll see 6 TD passes this time around. Jason Campbell also still happens to be a very solid quarterback, and while Santana Moss appears to be gimpy lately, there are still solid targets for Campbell to seek out. I’ve gone with the Patriots week in and week out, but I think Washington is too good to lose by two touchdowns and a field goal, even at Foxboro. Redskins.

Packers (+3) at Broncos

Brett Favre or Jay Cutler? Man, you might as well walk up to a 5-year-old kid and ask him “Double fudge brownie or celery stalk?” Seriously, that’s how much of a no-brainer this is. The points are just icing on the cake. Or double fudge brownie, as the case may be. Packers.

Texans (+9) at Chargers

This is the latest official line for this game (as of 7:33 AM Eastern time), and it will be played in San Diego, so it seems fairly reasonable. At the very least it will lure quite a few people into laying some money on Matt Schaub (suckers). Look, the Chargers aren’t blowing the doors off the AFC this season, but they have no business whatsoever being behind the friggin’ Chiefs in the West. Sure, they lost to them earlier this season, but that was just Norv’s magic in action. So you take your nine points, and I’ll take the Chargers.