Vikings (+9.5) at Cowboys

I dunno… the Vikings stop the run really well, but the pass defense? Not so much. Brian Griese went for 31 against them. And Adrian Peterson won’t be running wild through the Cowboys secondary quite so easily as he did against the Bears. The whole Bears’ defense was hung over or something last week. That, or they suffer from Colts Syndrome (pass-rush-specialist ends getting shoved around all day in the running game). But still… 9.5 is a crapload of points. I don’t trust the Cowgirls that much, Tarvaris Jackson be damned. I can’t give Wade Phillips nine and a half. It’s just a matter of principle. Vikings.

Ravens (-3) at Bills

Yeah, I know the Ravens ain’t what they used to be, I can’t fathom them losing to Buffalo… Buffalo? Trent Edwards is an upgrade, sure–Rick Mirer would have been an upgrade in that situation–but methinks he’s in for a rude introduction to what real NFL defenses look like. To wit: They move fast. Ravens.

Buccaneers (+2) at Lions

The better team’s getting two points here. Come on, bettors of America, the Lions are the Lions! This is Matt Millen’s team! What the hell are you doing betting on them? Say no to drugs. Buccaneers.

Patriots (-16.5) at Dolphins

So Bryan points out the Patriots wiped the floor with “an NFC powerhouse” last week. That’s news to me. Ain’t no such thing as an NFC powerhouse, last I looked. Calling somebody an “NFC powerhouse” is like calling somebody an honest politician. It not only doesn’t work, the very concept twists my brain into a pretzel. And yes, I’m trying to distract you from the fact I have nothing remotely interesting to say about this game, but I’m not laying 16.5 on anybody. Dolphins.

Falcons (+9) at Saints

Nine points? NINE FREAKING POINTS!?! Ladies and gentlemen, this is our new leader of the “Most bat#@($ insane line of the year”, and it’s going to be damn hard for some line to top this. That’s crazy. You’d have to be completely out of your mind to give the New Orleans freaking Saints nine points. There is no evidence to even hint at the idea that the Saints are better than the Falcons at all. The only thing stopping me from making this the Lock of the Week is that anytime I see a line this insane, it gives me pause to wonder if Vegas knows something I don’t. Falcons.

49ers (+9) at Giants

This line ain’t much better. If you squint reeeeeeal hard you can kind of see it, but, then you remember… the Giants? The 49ers are really, totally god-awful, no doubt about it, but the Giants aren’t the kind of team I’d ever want to be on winning by 10. You don’t realize how hard it is to win by 10 in the NFL. 10 qualifies as a blowout; I’d guess fewer than one-third, maybe fewer than one-quarter, of NFL games end with a margin of victory of 10 or greater. Doesn’t happen that much. This ain’t the SEC. Well, OK, the 49ers would fit right into the middle of the pack in the SEC, but still… no. Just say no. 49ers.

Cardinals (+9) at Redskins

Jeepers Cripes! @#($ the heck is the deal with all these gigantic lines? Look, this crap happens, just take the underdogs. I’d get cute here, because let’s face it, the Cardinals lost at home to the Carolina Panthers, whose quarterback was Vinny sweet-freaking Testaverde, who had been a Carolina Panther for all of five days, by, what, 15 points? So Team Rattay sure as hell is capable of losing on the road to the Redskins by like 29 points. Look, if Tim Rattay is your quarterback, that means Tim Rattay is your quarterback, and that’s the stuff a world-class wince is made of. Tim Rattay + no knowledge of the playbook + shaky o-line = bad times in desertland. Geez, I’ve almost talked myself into this thing, but… no. Too many points. Cardinals.

Flaming Thumbtacks (-1) at Texans

I was using Bryan’s article for my lines, and he has Flaming Thumbtacks +1. I was totally “@#$() the heck!? The Flaming Thumbtacks are underdogs here!?” I had to look that one up. Turns out, no. The Thumbtacks are favored, but so slightly as to be insignificant. I don’t see how the hell you give the Moo Cows an even chance here. They had a nice little run to start the year–Zeth would want me to remind you that Matty Schaub hasn’t hit the Game Film Wall yet–but they’re not very good. The Flaming Thumbtacks are good, even without Freak Boy Vince around. It’s just smart money. Flaming Thumbtacks.

Jets (+6) at Bengals

Yet another candidate for crazy line of the year. Do the bettors of America even watch Bengals games? Screw it; this line is so crazy that it’s like Vegas is desperate for people to put money on the Jets. So, F**k it, I’m goin deep. Give me the Bengals in the…

You think a five yard out is gonna win you a game? You're a pussy. Carson's got the arm.

F**K IT I’M GOIN DEEP LOCK OF THE WEEK!!!

Chiefs (+3) at Raiders

When in doubt… take the road underdog. That’s unbelievable, but it’s been true for two years now. I have no remotely convincing evidence to support the notion of putting money on either team. Just steer clear of this game; games between two bad teams (a category for which any AFC West game qualifies) are never good ideas to put your hard-earned cash on. Chiefs.

Rams (+8) at Seahawks

OK, this is a game where I have to make an exception. The bettors are slowly coming around to the idea that the Rams are the worst team the NFL has seen since Vinny’s Buccaneers and Steve Grogan’s latter-day Patriots, but they aren’t quite there yet. It’s a bad idea to put money on the Rams at any line. They’re so horrible I throw up in my mouth just watching them. When’s their bye week? Let’s see… week 9. Three more games. If Scott Linehan is still their coach come week 10, it can only mean somebody in the Rams front office needs to be whacked. By the way, can anybody prove Scott Linehan isn’t the bastard love child of Brian Billick and Norv Turner? Seahawks.

Bears (+5) at Eagles

I’m still not feeling it from the Eagles this year. Donnie Football ain’t what he used to be, or their offense in general ain’t what it used to be, or something. They’re just a step behind their previous levels of dominance. So are the Bears, but the Eagles don’t give me any sound reason not to take the points. Bears.

Steelers (-3.5) at Broncos

Steelers lines are usually crazy, but this one feels about right. Fact is, the Steelers defense is about 94.5891% likely to chew Jay Cutler up and spit his bones out all over the place. It’s just something they do. Steelers.

Colts (-3) at Jaguars

Nah… not this time. There’s the whole “Jaguars have the Colts number” thing, but this year’s different, because the Colts have those bastard Patriots to keep up with. Three points aren’t enough to put money on David Garrard against the world champions. Just think about that a moment, and tell me if you don’t agree. David Garrard. Peyton Manning. David Garrard. Peyton Manning. Colts.