Good evening, earth humans and rappers. You can call me The Dragon (”The” is my first name, so please be sure to capitalize it) and I’m a charter member of the F**k It I’m Goin Deep Fan Club. I’m mainly a football guy–my Guru status was cemented when I correctly pointed out to Justin Zeth that Eric Mangini looks kind of like Doogie Howser. Anyhow, for my first column here on Sporting Gurus, Baron von Stupid asked me to tell you who the best fantasy running backs are. Oh, I’m sorry–did your draft already take place? Then I regret to inform you that you are a tool. Real players wait until the last week of preseason to have their drafts, for the same reason real poker players don’t play seven-stud with threes and nines wild–more skill, less luck, good thing.

So assuming you’re not a sissy lottery-scratcher-buying girly man, your draft is taking place probably this weekend. Good thing you checked in here for the scoop. Here you go, and remember, this authoritative declaration of who is the #1 fantasy RB is exactly why you came here. To hear it from a Guru.

1. LaDainian Tomlinson

If you have Tomlinson in a keeper league, though, be careful! The time to trade him is immediately after this year, because Sheriff Norv is now in town, and the over-under on how many times Tomlinson totes the rock this year is about 683.

2. Joseph Addai

Indianapolis freaking Colts, man. If Addai breaks his hip or quits football to be a parking meter cop or something, the Colts could go sign Lorenzo White and he’d go for 1400 rushing and 500 receiving in this nutty offense. Who cares who the heck Joseph Addai is? He’s a Colt!

3. Steven Jackson

Dude’s as stud as stud gets. If he were any more stud than this, female horses would get pregnant just from standing 2 miles downwind from him. Young, good, coach who knows how to use him, passing game likely to regress and rely on him even more… as long as I don’t have to pay the contract he’ll be holding out for next year, you can sign me up.

4. Reggie Bush

This year, right now, is the time to jump onto the Reggie Bush bandwagon before it zooms away at light speed. You remember O.J. Simpson? No, not the guy who slashed two throats in one night, the guy who ran for 2,003 yards in a 14 game season against 16-man fronts all year. Well, Reggie Bush is like that, only with a dash of Marshall Faulk thrown in for good measure. This dude is going to blow up. You think Deuce McAllister’s going to stand in his way? For what, like the first two weeks? You’re a fool. Bush is going to lead the NFL in total yardage.

5. Willis McGahee

This is why some people would rather become Tibetian monks than play fantasy football. Willis McGahee blows chunks, I mean, blows chunks the way your uncle Hank did at that last family reunion, right after following 6 straight shots of hard tequila by accidentally drinking the old beef stew that had been sitting in your fridge since the Clinton administration. And yet, he’s now in Baltimore, and he’ll get the ball like 380 times. He’s good for 1400 and 10. And yes, you darn skippy you should draft McGahee ahead of Westbrook and Parker. Need I remind you he plays Cincinnati and Cleveland twice each?

6. Brian Westbrook

I don’t like guys who spend half their lives in the trainers’ room, but you have to love this dude. It’s hard to find a running back, let alone tackle him, when he’s like 3 feet tall and you can’t see him over your own linemen. Nice thing is, whereas if there’s a Jim Sorgi sighting in Indianapolis Addai’s going to take a hit (and not in the Randy Moss way), the Eagles are the other way around: They could bring Bubby Brister out of mothballs and keep chugging, as long as Westbrook’s around. Love this guy.

7. Willie Parker

Fast Willie! He’s so freaking fast! I can’t even see him! I have no idea what number he wears, because he moves so fast I can never make it out! I can’t stop talking about him with exclamation points!!! Funny thing is, I don’t think a Steelers running back has been a legit first-round fantasy pick since Rocky Bleier was picked 8th overall (by a Steelers homer, of course) in 1977, for all the bluster and bullcrap you hear about Steeler-style Smashmouth Football. Willie doesn’t smash anybody in the mouth. He just runs past them so fast the wind blows their teeth all over the place. Or so I’ve heard. Anyway, he’ll put up nice stats. It’s not like Najeh Davenport’s going to take a bunch of carries from him, and by week 6 Mike Tomlin’s going to be telling Ben Reoethbsiedrlbierlgerstrasse “Look, man, just turn around and hold the ball out away from yourself and Willie will take it, cool?”

8. Rudi Johnson

Yawn. Rudi bores me to tears. Every game, same story, 19/85, sometimes a touchdown. I can’t remember anything the dude’s ever said. Sure, he’s good for 1400 yards every year, but couldn’t he at least throw me some kind of bone and tell a reporter, “Dude, I was way too drunk to remember any details, but there were at least six 14-year-old girls climbing into Chris Henry’s limo last night.”

9. Maurice Butts Covington Cornwallis Miyamoto Brookhaven Monte Cristo “Jones” Drew III Jr.

If you think Fred Taylor’s getting in this dude’s face, you’re even dumber than the guy who didn’t draft Reggie Bush because he was afraid of Deuce freaking McAllister, and he’s dumber than the guy that got up at 3 AM and relieved himself in the garbage disposal. Maurice B.C.C.M.B.M.C. “Jones” Drew III Jr. is Emmitt Smith, only without the brick-wall o-line, but on crack, so it works out about even. I have no idea how he’s as good as he is. Watching him run is like watching a duck run across a highway on fast-forward, but it works. It’s like he’s covered in a two-inch layer of cooking lard. You can’t get hold of the guy. It says here he goes for 1250 rushing and 550 receiving, though Taylor probably will vulture a few touchdowns off of him, stupid as Jack of the River is. It’s a good time for running backs.

10. Frank Gore

Ladies and gentlemen, meet KUBIAK’s #1 fantasy back. KUBIAK is pretty sharp about some things, but when it comes to Frank Gore, it’s about on par with that guy who said “Ricky Williams only cares about ONE thing, and that’s winning football games.” Cause Frank Gore can pop a calf just getting up off the crapper, and then when he crumples onto the bathroom scale in pain he’ll land funny and twist his knee. You just saw the last healthy year of Frank Gore’s life. Plus, do you really want to stake your fantasy team on the black cousin of the guy who invented the internet? Or more to the point, on someone who plays for the 49ers? Alex Smith sucks. No, that’s not enough emphasis. Alex Smith sucks. Now that the secret’s out about Gore, I hope he enjoys lining up against 13 men in the box every play. Oh no, Alex! Please don’t use your rusty peashooter to throw the ball over our heads! Have mercy!

Hey, if you’re such a genius, explain why you forgot Larry Johnson, dork.

First off, I’m not a genius. I’m a freaking Guru. I didn’t spend six years in evil guru school to be called ‘genius’, thank you very much. And I didn’t forget Larry Johnson. I remembered that he isn’t all that good anyway, that the vaunted o-line that blew him open holes you could’ve driven the Wienermobile through is now history, and that, thanks to Uncle Herm’s Bo-Jackson-in-Tecmo-Bowl usage of him, he’s going to blow his ACL somewhere right about… now. Do not draft this guy. Let somebody else do it, with like the third pick no less, and then thank him for the $100, or whatever your league’s entry fee is. You gotta be courteous if you want your leaguemates to trust you enough to let you rip them off in a trade later, you know.

That’s it for now. I’d like to tell you I’ll keep ranking these guys sometime soon, but I just can’t promise that.