Assuming all draft picks get signed and whatnot, here’s how the AFC East will look this season.

1) NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS - The Patriots are always scary, but this year is going to be even better for them because Tom Brady has targets people have actually heard of. The front office heard the buzz that was spreading this offseason — about how Brady’s struggles last season were due in large part to the fact that he had a bunch of Joe Schmoes to throw to — and they went wild signing quality receivers for him. Donte Stallworth gives our hero a nice deep threat, while Randy Moss could turn out to be a steal if (and this is a HUGE if) his attitude problems really are gone. Wes Welker is a great third option and should give the special teams a spark as well. The o-line remains solid if unspectacular, and this year we should find out if Laurence Maroney can handle a full-time workload in the backfield. If he can’t, expect some spot appearances from Fumblin’ Faulk. Defensively the Patriots are getting up there in age, but they’re still very capable of holding their own against most offenses. Give me Tedy freaking Bruschi any day of the week — 34 or not, he’s got the smarts to make plays that guys ten years younger and two steps faster can’t make. Mike Vrabel seems to have adapted very well to his new position, and the addition of Adalius Thomas on the outside should make an instant impact. In the secondary, Rodney Harrison has taken quite a beating the last two years, including tearing three knee ligaments in 2005, so his health could definitely be a concern, but overall this unit is in excellent shape, with two of the division’s top corners in Ellis Hobbs and Asante Samuel and a hard-hitting free safety in Eugene Wilson. I’ve got them repeating last year’s 12-4 performance and getting a free pass to the divisionals.

2) NEW YORK JETS - I would like to begin this section with a heartfelt “thank you” to Curtis freaking Martin. After 11 brilliant seasons, he’s officially hanging it up. Good for him, getting out while he can still walk. But more importantly, through his 17,000-plus total yards and 100 touchdowns he remained an absolute class act. The NFL will miss you dearly, Curtis. Enjoy the trip to Canton in a few years. Now, onto the Jets themselves. Jersey/B shocked a lot of people last season, despite having more holes than Swiss cheese on defense. They still aren’t that good, but they are a couple of tiers better than Buffalo and Miami simply because they have one crucial element that both of those teams are missing — a good signal-caller. Chad Pennington’s shoulder may be held together with Elmer’s glue, but he’s got the smarts and the skills to keep this team in the hunt for a postseason berth. And that’s saying a lot, considering that this team has no real backfield to speak of. I don’t see Thomas Jones working out as a full-time back, so expect them to do the “two-backs-splitting-carries” thing that seems to be popular these days, with Leon Washington likely getting his fair share of touches. Laveranues Coles has the speed to get deep, but keep in mind that Pennington is the quarterback here, so expect more midrange routes from Coles and Jerricho Cotchery. The line has a couple of studs in the making in D’Brickashaw Ferguson and Nick Mangold, so don’t expect Pennington to face too much blindside pressure. On defense the Jets have a couple of very solid inside linebackers in Eric Barton and The Jonathan Vilma Experiment (not to mention Kimo freaking von Oelhoffen on the line), but they badly needed a corner, and I think most people had them taking Leon Hall in the draft. This would have been a solid choice, but they bought into the Darrelle Revis hype and I am afraid it will cost them. This isn’t quite on par with some of the more boneheaded CB choices in recent years (Tommy Knight and Rashard Anderson immediately come to mind), but this guy just won’t cut it as an NFL corner. I don’t see them pulling another 10-6 out of the hat, mainly because their schedule is tougher this time around. 8-8 seems realistic enough — unfortunately that won’t get you a playoff spot in the AFC.

3) MIAMI DOLPHINS - As I stated above, Miami and Buffalo are terrible, but I’m giving the Dolphins the edge here despite them horribly blowing the draft. Trent Green — yes, THAT Trent Green, the one who just turned 37 and had that nasty concussion last season — is still a better quarterback than J.P. Loserman will ever be. Expect a big season from Ronnie Brown thanks to his new backfield mate Cory freaking Schlesinger. He turned 35 last month, but it doesn’t take a whole lot of quickness to flatten guys the way he’s been doing for years. This is the guy that turned James Stewart (anyone remember him?) into a 1,000-yard rusher a few years ago. Enough said. The o-line remains very middle-of-the-pack — it’s not the worst in the league, but it could use some improvement. The Dolphins look pretty good on the defensive side of things. Joey Porter was obviously a nice on-field acquisition, but his “issues” could end up being a big enough distraction to nullify that. The front seven isn’t what I’m worried about, though. Their secondary isn’t exactly filled with big names, and having mediocre DBs in a division with New England and Jersey/B usually spells trouble. They have a brutal second-half schedule, with trips to Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, plus home stands against Baltimore and Cincinnati. Green’s age and questionable health, the fact that he’s behind a very shaky offensive line, the aforementioned pedestrian secondary, and the Schedule Fairy taking revenge in 5 of Miami’s final 7 games force me to limit them to a 6-10 this season.

4) BUFFALO BILLS - Welcome to the Losman and Price Circus! That’s right, after unceremoniously departing Buffalo following the ‘02 season, Peerless Price found his way back to Orchard Park last year. Believe it or not, he looked somewhat competent as a #2 receiver while Lee Evans stole the show. I wish I could say the arrival of Marshawn Lynch in the backfield will open things up and allow Losman to develop as a quarterback, but it won’t happen for a couple of reasons. First of all, Lynch really isn’t that much of an upgrade over the departed Willis McGahee. It’s well-known throughout the league that Willis is on his way to replacing Steve McNair as the NFL’s Bionic Man, but he is also a pretty darn good running back. Lynch may be more durable, but talent-wise I just don’t see his selection being justified any time soon. Second, and more importantly… IT’S J.P. LOSMAN, YOU IDIOTS!! He’s only employed because the Buffalo front office was part of a hostile takeover by crackheads. He’s NOT going to get any better. I don’t care what last year’s stats might suggest to some uninformed yutzes. I don’t care if he completed 63% of his passes. David Carr completed 68% of his passes last year — does that make him a good quarterback? I don’t care if his TD-INT ratio was over 1-1. Eli Manning threw 24 TDs and 18 INTs — does that make him a good quarterback? Ignore the numbers — just sit down and watch this idiot attempt to play football, and you’ll understand why the Bills are doomed. And if you think the offense has it bad, consider this — they lost their top linebacker (London Thompson Williams Fletcher-Baker Johnson III Esquire) and their top cornerback (Nate Clements) to free agency. Their run defense was already terrible and it will likely get even worse, while their excellent pass defense will take a major hit. Their schedule is nothing to envy either — they could conceivably start the season 0-5 before their bye week, and with road games in Pittsburgh, Jacksonville and Philadelphia, look for this team to finish 4-12.