With Justin missing in action for most of the week, I’ve taken it upon myself to handle this week’s picks. After two straight fantastic outings (11-4-1 and 12-4) I’m over .500 for the season, with Justin still a game or two below that mark. Don’t be fooled though — we are both still experts, and we both still know it all. (If Justin shows up before Sunday, his picks will likely be added to this, in which case this message will self-destruct.)

Ravens (+3) at Bengals

This is a tricky line. On one hand Baltimore’s defense is, in some respects, even better than the fabled 2000 Ravens’ D. On the other hand, Cincinnati is loaded with offensive weapons and they will likely burn the Ravens a couple of times. On the surface this appears to be your standard +3 road team line, but the Ravens aren’t your standard road team. I’ll take the Ravens and hope they hold up against the suddenly surging Bengals’ O.

Cardinals (+6.5) at Rams

This is shaping up to be a sloppy mess. The Rams managed to temporarily derail the Frank Gore bandwagon, but they’re still in trouble with Bulger’s blindside protection out. Arizona doesn’t know the meaning of the word “protection”, but I’m not too sure St. Louis will take advantage of that porous o-line. The Cardinals are just bad, but they did manage to put up 26 against Minnesota’s better-than-average defense. I’ll take them against a lower-caliber D. Cardinals.

Falcons (+1) at Redskins

Hoo boy. Another toilet bowl of a game. The Falcons showed last week that they can’t defend the deep ball. Fortunately for them, Washington still lacks knowledge of the forward pass, especially since Moss’s hamstring still seems iffy. It’s sort of dumb to take a single point, but Washington is just terrible. Give me the visiting Falcons.

Lions (+13.5) at Patriots

The NFC’s worst meets the AFC’s best. What is with the lack of quality games this week? (Please note, that is not meant to be disrespectful to the Patriots. It’s simply an observation about the lack of marquee matchups. Really, who wants to see the freaking Lions get dismantled on the road?) Big spreads with the Patriots are iffy, because it’s common knowledge that Bill Belichick usually only does what he has to do to win. Rare exceptions, like the 35-0 thrashing of the Packers, are what present a problem. After barely squeaking by the Chicago Frauds, I fully expect Tom Brady to come out on all cylinders and fire 4 TD passes en route to another mauling of another bad NFC Norris team. Patriots.

Colts (-7.5) at Flaming Thumbtacks

Everyone knows it. Tennessee should have lost against Jersey/A. Now, because of them beating on a McNabb-less Philly team and winning the biggest fluke game of the year, they’re only being shown 7.5 points against Princess Peyton. Am I the only one who doesn’t understand this? You could probably show them 27.5 and I’d still take Indy. Give me the freaking Colts.

Chiefs (-5) at Brownies

Kansas City is riding high once again. I have to say I’m honestly surprised with Larry Johnson. I fully expected his performance to decline sharply with all the injuries and the retirement of Willie Roaf, but he doesn’t seem to have missed a beat (unlike Shaun Alexander, who was doomed the moment he agreed to be this year’s Madden cover boy — oh, and the departure of Hutchinson was pretty huge too). But back to this matchup. When was the last time the Browns rode high? Keep your Charlie Frye Circus and your stinking 5 points. I’ll take the visiting Chiefs.

Viqueens (+9) at Bears

I don’t know what to make of the Bears anymore. It’s pretty obvious that they’re frauds who have benefited greatly from the Schedule Fairy’s gifts, but they show flashes of brilliance from time to time. Rex Grossman looked like Rex Grossman last week. His game line was bad, sure, but did you see those three beautiful passes he threw to Asante Samuel? Oh wait, Samuel plays for the Patriots… nevermind. I doubt Minnesota can do any better, so I’ll just take the Bears and pray that Grossman actually hits guys wearing like-colored jerseys this time.

Jets (pick) at Packers

Jersey/B is pretty good, Green Bay is pretty bad, but against my better judgment I’m taking the home team. Packers. Don’t ask me why. Questioning an expert leads to missing limbs.

Chargers (-6) at Bills

6 points? Is that all you’re showing Buffalo? That’s just enough to sell me on the Chargers’ Martyball philosophy against a bad team with a horrible quarterback. Gimme the Bolts.

49ers (+7) at Saints

OK, so San Francisco finally lost a game and the Frank Gore bandwagon lost some steam. Now they’re coming to town to face the Ain’ts, who broke a two-game skid by going to Atlanta and beating up on the Birds — of which Michael Vick had a couple for the home fans. Somehow I’m not sold on New Orleans rebounding that quickly. Drew Brees is the best quarterback in the NFC, but the Saints still seem to have a lot of holes in their armor, evidenced by Vick rushing for 150+ against them. Six months ago I never would have said this, but I believe at this point San Francisco is better than Atlanta. I’ll take the 49ers and 7 points, and I will likely continue to do so until the Frank Gore bandwagon is completely dismantled, set on fire and thrown off a cliff.

Jaguars (pick) at Dolphins

David Garrard versus Joey Harrington? Thrilling QB matchup if ever there was one. OK, jokes aside, Jacksonville has to rebound from that embarrassment in Buffalo, and Piano Man Harrington is likely to be the target of some extreme frustration release courtesy of the Jags’ D. Expect more big plays from Maurice Jones-Drew III Jr. as Fred Taylor tries to do the impossible: finish a season without going on injured reserve. I’ll take the Jags.

Texans (+3) at Raiders

Alright, I know Oakland is bad, but you have to show Houston a lot more than 3 if you want me to even think about taking them. They’re going into the Black Hole against a VERY good defense, which means Happy Feet Carr is headed for another abysmal performance. 19-for-41 with 3 INTs and 6 sacks sounds about right. It’s a shame, too — Wali Lundy deserves a better signal-caller than this. Hell, the whole city of Houston deserves a better signal-caller than this. No question, I’ll take the home team. Raiders.

Cowboys (-3.5) at Giants

You think the Frank Gore bandwagon is rolling? Try the Tony Romo bandwagon. This kid has a huge following in the Dallas area, and for good reason. His read-and-react abilities — the result of carrying a clipboard, studying the offensive system and watching film for three-plus years — are second to none right now. His mobility makes up for that shaky o-line, allowing his receivers a bit of extra time to get open (more on his mobility in a bit). Plus the kid can flat-out throw a football. He’s completed over 70 percent of his passes, and if it weren’t for a few boneheaded drops he’d probably be near 75 percent. Interesting to note: he’s made a name as a “mobile” QB, yet his 40-yard time at the combine was 5.02. 5.02! I know some linemen that can clear 5.02, for crying out loud. Even The Kyle Boller Project ran a 4.6! Just goes to show you that, as usual, Justin is correct — 40 time is vastly overrated. Oh, I almost forgot, there’s a football game to be played here. Sort of. The Giants are done. They’ll probably sneak into the playoffs as a wild card simply because the NFC is extremely mediocre, but they won’t win this. I’ll take the Cowboys.

Buccaneers (+7) at Steelers

Finally, the Steelers are favorites for a reason. Even 2006 Ben Roethlisberger can’t mess this up. I’m not biting on your 7 points, pal. Gimme the Stillers.

Seahawks (+3.5) at Broncos

Finally, we get to see which type of -er quarterback Jay Cutler is. Seattle is not that good, but I expect Cutler to go through some growing pains and lose his first start. Seahawks.

Panthers (-3) at Eagles

Nick Saban would have had a field day with this one. This is mouse manure versus elephant doo-doo, right here. Carolina is ridiculously talented, but they’re so flaky that they can’t beat the lowly Redskins. Philly’s season, and possibly McNabb’s career, are done. Normally a team that chokes against the freaking Redskins doesn’t deserve the time of day, but Philadelphia is in big, big trouble, so just give me the Panthers and let me out of here.